This man would love it when a plan comes together. Photograph: Scott Heppell/AP

When the Mill rode into Transfer Tittle-Tattle town today, it was deadly quiet.

Too quiet. A one-horse town where even the horse had left.

Nothing but wafting tumbleweed, a hot and hazy shimmer and a scabby dog with a limp cowering to the sinister, shrill of a howling wind and the foreboding dong of the deserted church bell.

(Deserted? Who was doing the donging then?) Hmm. Not sure.

Anyway, it’s an eerie scene bereft of all hope that we’re painting here so just go with it. As mentioned, it was quiet. But then, just as the Mill was resigned to finally handing in its rusty Sheriff’s badge for good, a rumour came galloping over the dusty plains.

And what a rumour it was: Roland Benedict, 18, is on trial at Gillingham. That’s not the best bit (or indeed a good bit). Roland, you see, is the son of Dirk, the actor who played philandering entrepreneur Face in the 80s TV series The A-Team. The Mill loves it when a plan together. Brace yourself for some serious jibber-jabber, folks.

If Mike Ashley has a problem, if no one else can help, and if he can find him (the Mill reckons Dubai’s a good start) … maybe he can hire Sheikh Mohammed Bin Rashid Al-Maktoum, the world’s fifth-richest man, and persuade him to buy Newcastle for £480m (four hundred and eighty million pounds).

If Ashley reckons he can pull that plan off, and pocket £240m profit for 16 months of boardroom buffoonery in the process, then the Mill pities the crazy fool.

Should the Sheikh agree, expect Kevin Keegan to return and, against all odds, overpower superior opponents by miraculously building effective weaponry out of knackered old parts that no one else wants and haven’t been of any use for decades.

West Ham, Blackburn and Ipswich all want to steal Australian 16-year-old hotshot Joe Gibbs as if they were dingoes and he was a baby. Which he pretty much is. Here’s hoping the Manly United player doesn’t have BA (Bad Attitude) Baracus’ fear of flying. Or the big gold chains. Or, indeed, the Bad Attitude.

Spurs, meanwhile, are madder than Murdoch with director of football Damien Comolli. He, not Juande Ramos, is being blamed for the White Hart pain after failing to land any of the following on deadline day: Sergio Garcia, Diego Milito, Emile Heskey, Kevin Doyle and Colonel Decker of the Military Police.

Shut up fool.

· Feel free to leave any transfer tittle-tattle of your own in the comment section below

guardian.co.uk