Don’t leave us Damien! Photograph: Lefteris Pitarakis/AP
Wah! The market is in turmoil, readers! There’s panic on the streets, red-braced, mobile phone-clutching men are vying for space on the window ledges. Fear, hysteria, slumps, slides and disaster loom. The market has crashed. We’re all doomed.
And how do we know the transfer market is in such trouble? [...]

No one’s told Roman he’s off to Spurs. Photograph: Misha Japaridze/AP
Big news: the drugs DO work.
She might be higher than her hair most of the time and she might not be much of a DJ, but Amy Winehouse has still, somehow, managed to complete an entire Euro 2008 sticker album for her imprisoned hubby Blake.
Which [...]

Aleksandr Hleb: ‘I’ve hlad enough of people mispronouncing my name’. Photograph: Mike Egerton/Empics
There are very few situations in life that aren’t improved by the presence of a monkey - and today’s newspapers are no exception.
The Mill strongly suggests you ignore all the stuff about a recession looming, youths with knives picking away at the [...]

Are West Ham set to splurge £10m on Louis Saha? Photograph: Stephen Pond/Empics/PA
According to Greek legend the Sahasisis still exists. A fearful creature, half-man, half-flower, it totters around training grounds by dawn and pulls up injured by dusk. The curious beast has rarely been seen, least of all on matchdays, but sometimes, on still summer [...]