Roque Santa Cruz: it’s a tough life. Photograph: P Noble/Reuters
Who would want to be Roque Santa Cruz? One minute you’re being whisked away from the Allianz Arena by one of Blighty’s most esteemed managers and shunted into the Blackburn Rovers attack, where you reap maximum benefit from the wing wizardry of Morten Gamst Pedersen and [...]

Carlos Tevez is to make his loan move to Manchester United a permanent deal. Photograph: Gallo/Getty Images
Manchester United have agreed in principle to pay a British record 32m to complete the permanent signing of Carlos Tevez. The Argentinian forward is currently halfway through a two-year loan agreement at Old Trafford having left West Ham last [...]

Des O’Connor waves goodbye to Countdown. Photograph: Dave Hogan/Getty Images
The Mill is more than happy to take any rumours going on a day when Salomon Kalou’s assertion that Chelsea will score some goals next season demands a double page spread in two of the tabloids. So, it is with joy in our heart that we [...]

No one’s told Roman he’s off to Spurs. Photograph: Misha Japaridze/AP
Big news: the drugs DO work.
She might be higher than her hair most of the time and she might not be much of a DJ, but Amy Winehouse has still, somehow, managed to complete an entire Euro 2008 sticker album for her imprisoned hubby Blake.
Which [...]

“Have you seen Mark Hughes’ hair?”. Photograph: Lluis Gene/AFP/Getty Images)
Je m’appelle Le Mill, j’ai onze ans, j’habite a La Rochelle, j’ai deux soeurs et un chat, j’écoute les disques de Johnny Hallyday et j’aime le tennis, le foot et, bien sur, les rumours.
That, there, is some French for you. Pourquoi? Well, mes amis, it’s Bastille [...]

Aleksandr Hleb: ‘I’ve hlad enough of people mispronouncing my name’. Photograph: Mike Egerton/Empics
There are very few situations in life that aren’t improved by the presence of a monkey - and today’s newspapers are no exception.
The Mill strongly suggests you ignore all the stuff about a recession looming, youths with knives picking away at the [...]

Liverpool’s Peter Crouch has attracted the interest of Portsmouth, Manchester City, Tottenham and Newcastle. Photograph: Phil Noble/Reuters
Liverpool’s hopes of receiving £12m for Peter Crouch have been encouraged by the growing interest in their England striker.
Portsmouth, Manchester City, Tottenham and Newcastle have registered their interest in the 27-year-old, although only Pompey have made an offer. [...]

Dimitar’s doing one to United. Maybe. Photograph: A Couldridge/Action
No, no, no, It’s not right. You shouldn’t be here, reading this on a Saturday. You should be out and about catching some sunny rays, giving those chafing flip-flops a run-out and spending your leisure pound in a fashion best described as willy-nilly.
But, given that you are [...]

Could this man soon be popping up on Las Ramblas? Photograph: Denis Balibouse/Reuters
Enjoy your life while you can as, tonight, the eighth round of Big Brother starts. Please do not swear.
This year’s gormless collection of goons and chumps include a 16 year-old blind boy, a ‘comic’ (we’ll see about that), a US deportee, [...]