The decline and fall of William Gallas, ex-Arsenal captain. Photographs: Lee Mills/Action Images (whose entire portfolio seems to show Gallas in distress).

3pm: Peeps ring out across the country and We. Are. Go.

2.50pm: It’s a shambles. Again. We just had a power failure here on two computers and a telly, which means Paolo Bandini is having to muddle through a rugby minute-by-minute without television pictures OR any idea about rugby.

2.45pm: Oh, and in Scotland, Celtic left it late before trouncing St Mirren. It was 0-0 with a hour gone, but Samaras, Nakamura and Sheridan piled in for Celtic before a late consolation from Hamilton. Where am I getting this from? Why, our brilliant live scoreboard of course.

2.40pm:Plymouth beat Cardiff in the lunchtime Championship match. Final score 2-1, with both Argyle goals coming within 60 seconds of each other in the second half.

2.40pm: Liverpool v Fulham
Liverpool: Reina, Arbeloa, Carragher, Agger, Aurelio, Kuyt, Leiva Lucas, Mascherano, Riera, Keane, Torres. Subs: Cavalieri, Dossena, Hyypia, Alonso, Benayoun, Babel, El Zhar.
Fulham: Schwarzer, Pantsil, Hughes, Hangeland, Konchesky, Dempsey, Bullard, Murphy, Davies, Johnson, Zamora. Subs: Zuberbuhler, Nevland, Gera, Gray, Stoor, Kallio, Baird.
Referee: Mark Halsey (Lancashire)

Stelling Countdown reference count: 1 (something about dictionary corner).

2.35pm: Chelsea v Newcastle
Chelsea: Cech, Bosingwa, Ivanovic, Terry, Ashley Cole, Mikel, Joe Cole, Deco, Lampard, Malouda, Anelka. Subs: Cudicini, Ballack, Sinclair, Bridge, Ferreira, Kalou, Mineiro.
Newcastle: Given, Beye, Coloccini, Bassong, Jose Enrique, Gutierrez, Guthrie, Butt, Duff, Martins, Owen. Subs: Harper, Cacapa, N’Zogbia, Ameobi, Edgar, LuaLua, Carroll.
Referee: Phil Dowd (Staffordshire)

I don’t know anything about Ivanovic, who is starting for Chelsea. And it seems Little Micky Owen is back for Newcastle. You can’t fancy the visitors’ chances much though, and Newcastle could be back in the bottom three if West Brom beat Stoke. (And could even be bottom by tomorrow night if Spurs and Blackburn drew tomorrow.)

2.30pm: “Re: my kids gambling - it’s too late,” confesses Gary Naylor. “You never want them to have position on you playing Texas Hold’em. They are ultra-aggressive and do not believe in limping in under any circumstances and then bet big on the flop. I have thrown away top pair against a straight/flush draw more times than I care to remember.” My dad sometimes got me to answer the front door to the pools man, but that was about it. Anyone else’s kids into gambling?

2.30pm: Stoke v West Brom
Stoke: Sorensen, Griffin, Abdoulaye Faye, Shawcross, Higginbotham, Soares, Amdy Faye, Diao, Delap, Kitson, Sidibe. Subs: Simonsen, Olofinjana, Cort, Whelan, Cresswell, Tonge, Wilkinson.

West Brom: Carson, Zuiverloon, Meite, Olsson, Robinson, Greening, Borja Valero, Kim, Brunt, Koren, Miller. Subs: Kiely, Cech, Barnett, Bednar, Moore, Filipe Teixeira, Donk.

Referee: Lee Mason (Lancashire)

2.30pm: Middlesbrough v Bolton
Middlesbrough: Turnbull, Hoyte, Wheater, Pogatetz, Taylor, Aliadiere, O’Neil, Digard, Downing, Alves, Sanli. Subs: Jones, Emnes, Arca, Adam Johnson, Hines, Grounds, Walker.

Bolton: Jaaskelainen, Steinsson, Cahill, Andrew O’Brien, Samuel, Taylor, McCann, Muamba, Nolan, Elmander, Davies. Subs: Al Habsi, Smolarek, Gardner, Riga, Shittu, Basham, Obadeyi.

Referee: Martin Atkinson (W Yorkshire)

2.25pm: Portsmouth v Hull
Portsmouth: James, Johnson, Kaboul, Distin, Pamarot, Diop,
Davis, Hughes, Belhadj, Crouch, Utaka. Subs: Ashdown, Hreidarsson, Nugent, Mvuemba, Little, Kanu, Armand Traore.
Hull: Myhill, McShane, Turner, Zayatte, Ricketts, Marney, Ashbee, Boateng, Geovanni, King, Cousin. Subs: Duke, Doyle, Barmby, Windass, Garcia, Halmosi, Giannakopoulos.
Referee: Stuart Attwell (Warwickshire)

Yep, that’s Stuart “phantom goal” Attwell.

2.20pm: The line-ups are trickling onto the wires.
Man City v Arsenal: Man City: Hart, Zabaleta, Richards, Dunne, Garrido, Wright-Phillips, Ireland, Kompany, Vassell, Robinho, Mwaruwari. Subs: Schmeichel, Onuoha, Elano, Hamann, Evans, Ben-Haim, Sturridge.
Arsenal: Almunia, Hoyte, Djourou, Silvestre, Clichy, Nasri, Denilson, Song Billong, Diaby, Van Persie, Bendtner. Subs:
Fabianski, Vela, Ramsey, Wilshere, Gibbs, Lansbury, Simpson.
Referee: Alan Wiley (Staffordshire)

Almunia has got the captain’s armband for Arsenal, although it would surely be Fabregas if he was fit. Aaron Ramsey isn’t starting for Arsenal, but for Manchester City, Joe Hart is. We all thought he was properly knacked, but clearly not.

2.15pm: Chris Kamara has taken his Alan Johnson out of Peep Show moustache to Fratton Park for Portsmouth v Hull. Matthew Le Tissier is in the studio, alongside Paul Merson and Charlie Nicholas, and Countdown’s Jeff Stelling. Rachel Riley is at Kingfield for Woking v Torquay.

And now Gary Naylor on the monarchy: “Such was the extent of the coverage afforded to William Gallas’ relinquishing of the armband that a change in monarch will be hard to top it. Since when did captaincy of a football club count for much? Who is captain of say Stoke or Middlesbrough? Remind me again - where do most of the media live? Oh yes - North London.”

2.10pm: Gary Naylor knows how to spend a Saturday afternoon: “I like the look of the seven home teams today so much that I have invested a credit crunch breaking £4.95 in an accumulator to that end,” he boasts. “Seeing as both my 11-year-old and 8-year-old sons are well ahead of me in the guardian.co.uk’s exciting “Pick the Score” table, I suspect the pre-budget speech on Monday will go ahead unamended.”

Interestingly enough, we were just having a discussion here about the only bloke I have ever seen drinking Special Brew in a pub. He used to take his six-year-old daughter with him, hold her hand with one of his and the tin in another, and also play the fruit machine. I’m not saying that there’s any similarity between Gary Naylor’s approach to getting his kids involved in gambling and credit-crunch busting is similar to this other guy’s, but, oh, I am saying that.

Afternoon all. I think this is the most absurd of all minute-by-minute articles we do here*. Cynics have previously described the Sky Super Saturday (sponsored by razors and shaving cream) experience as an afternoon of watching men watching football on TV. And yet if you’re reading this, you’re essentially reading the writings of a man who is watching men watch football on TV. I’m not judging, I’m just making sure you know.

Anyway, it could be a thrilling afternoon of writing about watching men watching football on TV as we’ve actually got six Premier League ties to discuss, all kicking off at 3pm, as well as full programs across the other divisions and up there in Scotland. All this is as an appetiser to Rob Smyth on Aston Villa v Manchester United, which kicks off at 5.30pm.

The pick of this afternoon’s matches is probably north London’s second-most self-destructive Premier League outfit Arsenal travelling to the soft-touch billionaires at Middle Eastlands. The Gunners in the office have been wallowing in self-pity today while looking at a predicted Arsenal line-up featuring no Fabregas, no Walcott, no Sagna and no Eboue, before you even consider what no Gallas is going to do. Or not do. Manuel Almunia is going to take the arm-band which, as my colleague Paulo Bandini pointed out today, actually looks more like a chocolate bar in the picture accompanying Kevin McCarra’s blog on the subject today.

But are the Gooners worrying about nothing? It’s not like City have been pulling up any trees recently, and Spurs even managed to go up there and pick up three points. And it’s not as if Arsenal are still in the title race anyway.

We’ll have team news from that and all the other games when we know it. You can always email. Please.

*OK, some of the entertainment desk’s efforts are kind of absurd too.

Clockwatch will start at around 2pm, featuring these matches. And others.

Middlesbrough v Bolton Wanderers
Chelsea v Newcastle United
Manchester City v Arsenal
Stoke City v West Brom
Portsmouth v Hull City
Liverpool v Fulham
Aston Villa v Manchester United

While you drum your fingers, why not read about the greatest upset in sporting history (that no one knows or really cares about). Or how about William Gallas’s transformation into Zach de la Rocha as the former Arsenal captain raged against the Arsenal machine. Or there’s Russell Brand on Germany v England, or Scott Murray’s Joy of Six on great footballing injustices

guardian.co.uk