Barcelona’s manager, Pep Guardiola, refused to rule out making offers for Chelsea’s Didier Drogba and the Arsenal striker Emmanuel Adebayor after last night’s 6-0 rout of Hibernian.

Both players have been strongly linked with a summer move to Camp Nou and Adebayor has spoken publicly of his admiration for the Catalan club. “Barcelona are always interested in good players,” Guardiola said when asked directly about the pair. “Those players are interesting but so are many others in England, Italy and Germany. You would be better to speak to the sporting director [Txiki Begiristain] about the exact situation.”

With Samuel Eto’o surplus to requirements, Barcelona are keen to bring in a striker. Drogba’s agent has suggested the player will wait until the end of this month to see which clubs are interested in him before making a decision on his future. Adebayor refused to guarantee he would remain at Arsenal next season when he met Arsène Wenger this week.

Guardiola denied that Barcelona had received a bid from Aston Villa for Eidur Gudjohnsen and admitted, “Who knows what will happen in the future?” when the subject of Eto’o’s future was raised. There have been suggestions that the striker might yet swap places with Drogba at Stamford Bridge.

Last night Gudjohnsen, who scored two, and Lionel Messi put Barça three up against Hibs within 17 minutes and soon Pedro Rodríguez added a fourth. Second-half strikes from Bojan Krkic and Yaya Touré highlighted the almost embarrassing gulf in class in what was the Catalans’ first pre-season match. “I am very satisfied with the attitude of my players,” said Guardiola.

About this articleClose This article appeared in the Guardian on Friday July 25 2008 . It was last updated at 08:27 on July 25 2008.

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The Mill is more than happy to take any rumours going on a day when Salomon Kalou’s assertion that Chelsea will score some goals next season demands a double page spread in two of the tabloids. So, it is with joy in our heart that we open the paper to find speculation on the BIG one. Yes, that’s right, Des O’Connor has quit Countdown and there are some big names in the frame to replace him. Michael Aspel (professional), Stephen Fry (intellectual), Giles Brandreth (interminable). We know Channel 4 has gone down hill. But Brandreth, really?

However, it is not all “one from the top and any other four of your choice, Carol” today, as we bring big news for Blackburn fans. Big-boned news that is, as Rovers have agreed a £3.5m deal for Paul Robinson to replace Villa-bound Brad Friedel.

In other former England international news Panathinaikos boss Henk Ten Cate has counted out £6m in loose change and wants to give it to Wigan for Emile Heskey. But don’t worry, we don’t just have almost-certainly-fabricated rumours in this paragraph, how does Anthony Gardner to move to Hull for £2.5m sound to you? Much more likely, that’s how.

Meanwhile, more evidence that Robbie Keane has turned his last disappointing cartwheel in Tottenham white, after he was left out of the team for a friendly with Alicante. Elsewhere, another Keane, Roy (absolutely seamless, someone pass the Pulitzer), has stepped up his bid to £7m for Marseilles left back Taye Ismaila Taïwo, despite the fact he doesn’t play for Spurs.

Younes Kaboul might not have to go to Sunderland afterall, despite spending the last week tactically backtracking on his comments that he wouldn’t move there even in event of natural disaster. You see, Aston Villa have come in will a last minute bid, which is good news for him, though it has rather wasted seven days of apologising.

It’s bad news for Andrei Arshavin, who will not be moving to the Premier League, it turns out he is just too expensive for Arsenal and Spurs at £16m. Elsewhere, Stoke’s forward line still isn’t big and lumbering enough for Tony Pulis - he wants to bring in £3m Greek striker Angelos Charisteas.

And, finally, no Mill would be complete without news of Cristiano Ronaldo’s interminable tour of the USA; a cultural summer swap between the States and Europe that has seen the soon to be most important man in the world speak to 250,000 people in Berlin while the soon to be most self important man in Madrid speaks to “FHM stunner” Niki Ghazian in an LA nightspot.

Today’s big news on Ronnie? A month in the sun has sent him the colour of Chippendale, a shade The Mirror pinpoints as being somewhere between “Gold Trafford” and “Ronseal”. Arf. We know what you’re thinking, would his new tone look better in Manchester United red or Real Madrid white? In fact, he is just about the right shade to fill Des O’Connor’s seat on Countdown, no one would even notice the difference.

About this articleCloseThis article was first published on guardian.co.uk on Friday July 25 2008. It was last updated at 09:31 on July 25 2008.

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Liverpool have made their sixth signing of the summer with the capture of the French striker David N’Gog from Paris St Germain. The 19-year-old has signed a four-year deal at Anfield and follows Philipp Degen, Andrea Dossena, Diego Cavalieri, Vincent Weijl and Emmanuel Mendy to the club.

The Anfield club described the forward as “one of the brightest young talents in French football” and “lightening quick”, although N’Gog, the cousin of former Newcastle defender Jean-Alain Boumsong, managed just one goal in 18 matches for PSG last season. The fee is reported to be £1.5m.

N’Gog has played for the France U-16, U-17 and U-19 sides and scored twice against England U-19s last year. He is expected to challenge for a place in the Liverpool first team and will meet up with his team-mates after they return from a training camp in Switzerland.

About this articleCloseThis article was first published on guardian.co.uk on Thursday July 24 2008. It was last updated at 14:37 on July 24 2008.

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Formula one boss Max Mosley today won £60,000 in his privacy action against the News of the World after the Sunday tabloid had falsely accused him of taking part in a “sick Nazi orgy”.

Mosley, 68, the son of the 1930s British fascist leader Sir Oswald Mosley, sued the Sunday tabloid paper for grossly invading his privacy after it printed pictures and published video of him indulging in a five-hour sadomasochistic sex session with prostitutes in a Chelsea apartment.

He failed in his bid to seek an unprecedented award of punitive exemplary damages, but the £60,000 damages are the highest in recent legal history in a privacy action.

In his judgment Mr Justice Eady said that Mosley had a “reasonable expectation of privacy” in relation to his sexual activities no matter how “unconventional”.

He found no evidence of Nazi themes in the orgy and said Mosley’s life had been “ruined”.

“I found that there was no evidence that the gathering on March 28 2008 was intended to be an enactment of Nazi behaviour or adoption of any of its attitudes. Nor was it in fact. I see no genuine basis at all for the suggestion that the participants mocked the victims of the Holocaust,” Eady said.

“There was bondage, beating and domination which seem to be typical of S&M behaviour.

“But there was no public interest or other justification for the clandestine recording, for the publication of the resulting information and still photographs, or for the placing of the video extracts on the News of the World website – all of this on a massive scale.

“Of course, I accept that such behaviour is viewed by some people with distaste and moral disapproval, but in the light of modern rights-based jurisprudence that does not provide any justification for the intrusion on the personal privacy of the claimant.”

Eady added: “It has to be recognised that no amount of damages can fully compensate the claimant for the damage done. He is hardly exaggerating when he says that his life was ruined.”

Both Mosley and News of the World editor Colin Myler were in attendance in a packed court 13 at the Royal Courts of Justice to hear the judgment.

Neither reacted when Eady read out his judgment.

The paper had alleged the session had “Nazi overtones”, but Mosley - the president of the FIA (Fédération Internationale de l’Automobile) - strenuously denied this in court.

The News of the World’s informant, known as Woman E, was not called as a witness for the paper because of what the paper’s QC, Mark Warby, said was her “emotional and mental state”.

News of the World had argued that there was no basis for punitive damages, because the newspaper believed what was written and that it was legitimate to publish.

Mosley’s counsel, James Price QC, argued that compensation for intrusion of privacy should be greater than those for defamation “because invasion of privacy can never be repaired and the claimant has to live with it for the rest of his life”.

The case, which has made headlines around the world, saw Mosley give evidence about how the allegations had caused his wife and family great distress, while the News of the World editor, Colin Myler, defended the paper.

It is thought the £60,000 in damages awarded against the News of the World is a record in a privacy case in recent legal history.

Actors Catherine Zeta Jones and her husband Michael Douglas were awarded £14,600 against Hello! magazine in 2003 after it published unofficial pictures of their wedding, while model Naomi Campbell won £3,500 against the Daily Mirror in 2004 after it printed a photo of her leaving a drugs counselling session.

Recent out-of-court settlements have included £37,500 to actor Sienna Miller from the News of the World and £58,000 to actors Hugh Grant, Liz Hurley and her husband Arun Nayar.

To contact the MediaGuardian news desk email editor@mediaguardian.co.uk or phone 020 7239 9857. For all other inquiries please call the main Guardian switchboard on 020 7278 2332.

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About this articleCloseThis article was first published on guardian.co.uk on Thursday July 24 2008. It was last updated at 12:25 on July 24 2008.

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West Ham United have signed the Swiss international utility player Valon Behrami from Lazio for £5m. Behrami, who can play at right-back or across midfield, has agreed a five-year contract. He joined Lazio in 2005 and made 69 appearances for the Serie A club, scoring four goals, and represented Switzerland at the 2006 World Cup and this summer’s European Championship.

“I am very happy to at last be able to sign for West Ham,” said Behrami, who was born in Kosovo but moved to Switzerland as a child. “For me it is a dream come true to play for the club and in the Premier League. I am very much looking forward to becoming part of the team here.

“After the European Championships, I spoke with West Ham who expressed their interest in me coming here. It was important for me to talk with everyone here and, when I did, I was very pleased to see what they wanted from me and what the plans are now and in the future for the team. It was something that enabled me to make my decision very quickly and now I can’t wait to train and play for West Ham.”

West Ham’s chief executive, Scott Duxbury, said the club were delighted to have secured 23-year-old Behrami. “We beat off a lot of interest from other clubs to get him and we are very pleased to now have him here at West Ham United,” said Duxbury. “He is a player who will be a valuable addition to the squad as we aim for a successful season ahead.”

About this articleCloseThis article was first published on guardian.co.uk on Wednesday July 23 2008. It was last updated at 14:52 on July 23 2008.

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At first glance, this clash of Asian cricket’s titans is a mismatch. On the one side, you have Sri Lanka, second only to Australia in their mastery of home conditions. On the other is an Indian team that increasingly saves its best for foreign fields – or at least those outside the subcontinent. India have won only one of four series on the island, way back in the Azharuddin-Wadekar captain-coach days when the country’s cricket veered between two extremes – success on turning pitches at home, and haplessness on overseas surfaces where the ball reared up above the waist.

For both countries, this is the first big test after the Indian Premier League irrevocably altered cricket’s finances and players’ priorities. Mahendra Singh Dhoni, the league’s most expensive player and Indian cricket’s new-age icon, will be a distant spectator, having skipped the tour pleading exhaustion. Sri Lanka have moved on from the Sanath Jayasuriya-Marvan Atapattu era, while Indian batting’s golden generation steels itself for a massive season after being pushed to the periphery of the one-day stage.

Since Sourav Ganguly’s brilliant unbeaten 98 inspired an Indian win at Kandy on their last tour here in 2001, Sri Lanka have lost just four Tests at home, three of them to Australia in 2004. The Sinhalese Sports Club Ground, where the start of the first Test has been delayed after heavy rain, is an especially happy hunting ground, the venue where Mahela Jayawardene and Kumar Sangakkara added 624 against South Africa two seasons ago. Dale Steyn, Makhaya Ntini, Andre Nel and Nicky Boje were among those to suffer over the two days on a pitch that could have been labelled the Road to Perdition.

Jayawardene has made eight centuries at the SSC, at an average of 79.30, while Sangakkara has four hundreds and an average of 62.85. The rest of the batting doesn’t inspire the same confidence though. The opening spots vacated by Jayasuriya and Atapattu are now occupied by Michael Vandort and Malinda Warnapura, son of Bandula, who led Sri Lanka in their inaugural Test. The duo have 20 Tests between them and neither will intimidate India’s new-ball bowlers like Jayasuriya did in his swashbuckling prime.

Thilan Samaraweera, who bats at No 5, has always been pigeonholed as a Test specialist, while Tillakaratne Dilshan averages a middling 37.25 after 45 Tests. On paper, India’s top six, with 106 centuries between them, is vastly superior, but it remains to be seen how the three-month hiatus from Test cricket will affect them. Two years ago, Rahul Dravid was the fulcrum of the batting and the one who looked like he would outlast the others. Now, after a couple of indifferent seasons, he appears the most vulnerable.

Though Sri Lanka’s selectors have given Ajantha Mendis - and his carom ball - a first Test cap, his inclusion ahead of an all-rounder certainly reduces the options available to Jayawardene. Muttiah Muralitharan and Chaminda Vaas have more than 1000 Test wickets between them, but all the pre-match buzz and camera attention was on Mendis. It was left to both captains to put things into perspective. “We want Ajantha to enjoy himself,” said Jayawardene, while Anil Kumble said: “He’ll be playing his first Test. There’s bound to be some nervousness.”

With Murali preferring to bowl once the ball has gone soft, it will be interesting to see how Virender Sehwag and Gautam Gambhir take on Vaas and Thilan Thushara. Sehwag took to Vaas in the Asia Cup final, while Thushara has just eight Test wickets from his three Tests. Should either attract Sehwag’s attention, Jayawardene will look around and find that he has no other pace option.

India’s new-ball pairing of Zaheer Khan and Ishant Sharma have flourished in England and Australia, but neither has shown signs of being an Imran Khan or Wasim Akram on Asian pitches. The onus will once again be on Kumble, with Harbhajan Singh’s recent displays – cracked-mirror pitch at Kanpur excepted – hardly in the Murali category.

For India, who were second-best to South Africa in their last home series, this is the first series of a season that will reveal just how good they are as a Test side. Australia and England are due in India before the end of the year, and 2009 starts with a trip to Pakistan. Some will marvel at the middle order’s longevity, while others will wonder why the young talent is seemingly capable of only paddling in shallow one-day and Twenty20 waters.

Given how comfortable they are in slow-and-low conditions, Sri Lanka must start favourites. India, who can boast of victories at Adelaide, Perth, Headingley, Trent Bridge and the Wanderers this decade, must forget about pace and bounce and get ready for three weeks of attrition. Jayasuriya’s absence gives them hope, but that could yet be snuffed out by Murali and his carrom-ball-flicking accomplice.

About this articleCloseThis article was first published on guardian.co.uk on Wednesday July 23 2008. It was last updated at 10:31 on July 23 2008.

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Monaco have had a £12million bid for him turned down; his father has blithely been talking up his chances of a move to Arsenal; after an impressive European Championship, further offers between now and the end of August seems certain. Niko Kranjcar must be loving it – not necessarily because he particularly wants to leave Portsmouth, nor because he enjoys the attention, but because for the first time in his life talk of a transfer is based on the simple grounds of him being a good player in demand. Joining Portsmouth, by contrast, came as a relief after the bitterness and controversy of his first move, when he left Dinamo Zagreb for Hajduk Split.

Shifting between Croatia’s two great rivals would have been bad enough whoever the player, but the fact it was Kranjcar made it seem an unimaginable betrayal. Not only was he seen as the new golden boy of Croatian football, the next great playmaker in a proud tradition, but his father, Zlatko, had been a Dinamo legend himself, scoring 98 goals in his 556 games for the club. When Niko became Dinamo’s youngest ever captain, it seemed that he was following the family tradition.

The problems started midway through the 2004-05 season when Kranjcar fell out with Zdravko Mamic, the vice-president of Dinamo.

“I left because of the way they treated me,” said Kranjcar. “We’d bought every young player we could have bought. I was the captain of the team. We’d had a bad six months and everything was blamed on me. At the end of the autumn season the president and Mamic came in and said we had to reduce the contracts. I was the first one to say I didn’t want to do that.

“If I was going to reduce my deal he should take a reduction and so should everyone else. He said he wanted to sell me. I had nowhere to go. I had two options – go to Russia and play for CSKA, or go to Hajduk Split. At the age I was then – 19 or 20 – I said I didn’t want to go to Russia. I thought I could play in a great league, and I thought that through Hajduk and the national team that would be possible.”

Kranjcar’s agent Dino Pokrovac, a business partner of the former Croatia striker Davor Suker, agreed a Croatian record €1.5million fee with the former Derby defender Igor Stimac, who was then the sporting director of Hajduk. The reaction was immediate and extreme.

“When I arrived in Split there were 10,000 people to welcome me,” Kranjcar said. “I am Zagreb in my heart. I can’t explain how much I am in love with the city and the people. At the end of the day I had to make a choice and it was my career. I really enjoyed it, but Zagreb is my home and it’s always going to be that way. The extreme fans will never forgive me, but many people know what I was going through.”

The other problem was Pokrovac wasn’t just an agent. He also ran a café and a carwash, businesses he used as fronts to launder the proceeds of his main job, which was working with a gang that stole cars in western Europe and smuggled them into Croatia to be resold. He increased his profits by loaning money at high rates of interest. Many of his clients were connected to football; one of them was the Hajduk club itself. Hajduk were lurching towards serious financial trouble, and it is possible that Pokrovac felt that if they became champions he had more chance of getting his money back.

In May 2005, he even negotiated a deal for Miroslav Blazevic, the coach who led Croatia to third in the 1998 World Cup, to take over at Hajduk.

He never saw a return on his investment, though. Later that month, a circular hole was cut in the glass of the door of his apartment in the Sigecica district of Zagreb, allowing access to the killers who shot him dead in what was fairly clearly a mafia hit. His murderers have never been caught.

As Hajduk were thrashed 8-0 on aggregate by Debrecen of Hungary in the second qualifying round of the Champions League, Blazevic was sacked and Stimac was forced to resign. Kranjcar managed 10 goals in 32 games that season, but as Hajduk finished just fifth, the idea that they had won the league the year before because of Kranjcar rather than in spite of him became increasing difficult to sustain.

A bad World Cup in 2006, for which Kranjcar – as the playmaker and the coach’s son – took most of the blame, only made things worse. When he was sold to Portsmouth five matches into the following season, he was not much mourned. Nor was he forgotten in Zagreb. When Dinamo retained their title the following season, fans and players – including the Manchester City full-back Vedran Corluka - celebrated by filling Trg Jelacica, Zagreb’s main square, and singing a song mocking Kranjcar’s supposed fatness.

Joining Portsmouth seems to have come almost as a relief, a chance for him to take stock. “I was in the spotlight from 14 or 15 years old, especially with my dad being national coach,” he said. “It’s a lot of pressure. You learn to live with the pressure, but there are times when you want to go out on the street and have no one recognise you, or have a drink and have no one pointing at you.”

Portsmouth has given him that; now, though, perhaps, the sense is that it’s time for a re-engagement with intense expectation and a new challenge.

About this articleCloseThis article was first published on guardian.co.uk on Tuesday July 22 2008. It was last updated at 12:50 on July 22 2008.

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Wigan have finally concluded the loan signing of Egypt striker Amr Zaki, currently ranked by Fifa as the best striker in the world. Though the 25-year-old completed a medical last week, his transfer remained in doubt until Wigan officials flew to Egypt yesterday to finalise his transfer.

“It’s been a real tough deal to push through, that’s for sure but I’m delighted that Amr’s finally a Wigan Athletic player. Everything has been sorted, and now he can just get on with the job at hand,” said manager Steve Bruce of the player whose 27 goals in 48 games for his country put him at the top of Fifa’s player rankings.

Reports have suggested that Wigan paid up to £1m in order to sign Zaki on loan while further stories have claimed it would cost the club another £5m to keep the striker permanently, something Bruce is not ruling out. “Anyone with a one in two strike rate or better over 50 odd international games knows where the back of the net is. Although he hasn’t played in the Premier League, I am convinced, having seen him personally on several occasions, that this boy can do the business,” said Bruce.

“I think our supporters will love him because he’s a passionate boy who plays with his heart on his sleeve. He is all-action; physically powerful, great in the air, with two great feet and a good turn of pace,” he added.

After scoring 22 goals in 55 games for his former club Al Zamalek, Zaki was named the Egyptian Player Of The Year and dubbed ‘The Egyptian Gladiator’ by fans. However he now sees his future in the Premier League. “I’ve come to England to score goals. That’s what I do. I want to show the manager and the fans of Wigan that they have made a good choice and now I am totally focused on trying to get in the squad and prove myself here,” he said.

About this articleCloseThis article was first published on guardian.co.uk on Tuesday July 22 2008. It was last updated at 12:04 on July 22 2008.

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The BBC Sports Personality of the Year show will no longer carry a sponsor after a damning report found the “editorial integrity” of the corporation had been “compromised” by a commercial relationship with drinks brand Robinsons.

The BBC Trust, which published the findings of an investigation sparked by complaints from ITV and RadioCentre after last year’s broadcast, found that the event sponsorship breached editorial guidelines.

“The Trust has concluded that several of the editorial guidelines were breached and the editorial integrity of the BBC compromised by giving the impression to licence fee payers via Sports Personality of the Year that part of a BBC service had been sponsored,” said the BBC Trust.

The BBC Trust has requested “immediate action” to ensure that “breaches of the kind” are not repeated, including for Sports Personality of the Year 2008.

It also said that editorial and fair trading guidelines should be revised to place tighter controls on event sponsorship.

This includes the “suspension” of a controversial website that trumpeted the available tie-ups that commercial brands could have with BBC programmes and properties.

“The Trust has said it would not be appropriate for the BBC Executive to seek a sponsor for Sports Personality of the Year beyond the expiry of the current contract,” it said.

Britvic soft drinks, parent to the Robinsons brand, struck a two-year deal last year to sponsor the event, held at the NEC in Birmingham, which included coverage on TV and via Radio 5 Live and bbc.co.uk.

The BBC Trust “stressed” that the decision “does not imply any wrong doing or fault” on the part of Britvic.

The BBC Trust has ordered Director General Mark Thompson to send a written apology to ITV and RadioCentre relating to the breaches.

The BBC Trust said it had upheld a “significant number” of specific complaints made by ITV and RadioCentre over the first sponsorship of the sports personality of the year show.

Complaints from the two parties included the prominence of the Robinsons logo and the guarantees of on-air mentions.

The year’s event will not air as a sponsored event unless BBC management can successfully renegotiate the final year of the contract with Robinsons to make the programme editorially compliant.

“We are delighted that our complaint has been upheld following the BBC Trust’s conclusion that editorial guidelines were breached and the editorial intergrity of the BBC compromised in relation to Sports Personality of the Year 2007,” said an ITV spokesman.

The BBC is allowed to accept “sponsorship finance” for BBC events, but actual programmes may not be sponsored.

“Anything that creates an impression that a programme may be sponsored is wrong and contrary to the BBC’s editorial guidelines,” said the trust, which added that event sponsorship should not be a “common occurrence”.

“In the future the BBC should not seek to offer ‘rights packages’ in the way it has done via the sponsorship website,” said the BBC Trust.

“The Trust found the web pages that had existed previously were inappropriate and created the impression that editorial credits could be purchased from the BBC”.

It said that in the future any sponsorship marketing activity by the BBC should be “proportionate to the relatively small number of BBC events sponsored”.

However, the BBC Trust said in general that sponsorship activity by the BBC does not “distort the market” because it is “generally small scale”.

“The BBC was not operating unfairly because it did not offer sponsorship at below market rates,” said the BBC Trust, although it added that the BBC Fair Trading Guidelines “needed to be tightened”.

The BBC Trust has also asked Mark Thompson to deliver a complete account of all the BBC’s uses of “alternative finance” sourced from third parties, such as sponsors for Proms in the Park, Children in Need and Young Musician of the Year.

“The BBC is an organisation facing strong pressures for financial efficiency but must also remember it is also privileged to receive the licence fee as a guaranteed source of funding,” the BBC Trust concluded.

“We are pleased that the Trust has responded so positively and quickly to the appeal we lodged following a long engagement with the BBC management complaints system,” said Andrew Harrison, chief executive of RadioCentre.

“We welcome the trust’s decision to uphold our complaint about sponsorship of Sports Personality of the Year and look forward to the outcome of the wider review of sponsorship of BBC events.”

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About this articleCloseThis article was first published on guardian.co.uk on Monday July 21 2008. It was last updated at 14:03 on July 21 2008.

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66th over: England 156-6 (Ambrose 1 Flintoff 2)Kallis takes a spell and Steyn is on. “Only Flintoff’s beard stands between South Africa and victory now” comments Keith Flett, lost somewhere in world of his own. A maiden, Flintoff picking out the fielders as he pushes and flicks the ball around.

65th over: England 156-6 (Ambrose 1 Flintoff 2)Ntini tosses some more filth down the leg side. England should be grateful that the South Africans are keeping Nel out of the team for a guy who is in such poor form.

64th over: England 156-6 (Ambrose 1 Flintoff 2)At the moment, Anderson is England’s second highest scorer for the innings. Frankly, that’s a pathetic reflection on the top six, who should all be feeling deeply uneasy that their no9 has shown more application and ability in adversity than the rest of them.

63rd over: England 156-6 (Ambrose 1 Flintoff 2)Ambrose gets his first run with a single past extra cover. “There’s the story that a Caribbean journalist teased Caddick him in print for the size of his lugholes” writes Dom O’Reilly, “Caddick demanded an apology and got it. The apology ran, “I am very sorry Andy Caddick has big ears.”

62nd over: England 153-6 (Ambrose 0 Flintoff 1)Nothing like nipping it in the bud early. Dom Riches writes: “Andy Carrick: Fat, bald, terrible breath, totally lop-sided ears, horrific gravel-faced wife, shortarse with absolutely no dress sense, no charisma, no discernible genitalia and, by the looks of it, no loyal friends either. That’s ten insults and fifty quid now owed by Josh Hardie”. A maiden from Ntini.

61st over: England 153-6 (Ambrose 0 Flintoff 1)”Why lament the absence of Colly?” grumbles Gary Naylor, who has been sore-headed right through this match, “He has never made a second innings fifty in a match that England have saved.” 1) We’re making a direct comparison with Tim Ambrose over their respective merits at no6 2) you’ve added too many caveats 3) 80 from 196 balls at Lahore 2005 as England lost by an innings 4) 96 from 155 balls at Brisbane in the first Ashes Test as England lost by 277 runs. Not that I’m playing devil’s advocate or anything.

61st over: England 152-6 (Ambrose 0 Flintoff 0)”In response to Ranil,” writes Mr Jim Carpenter, “I think that roughing up Chris Martin is perfectly acceptable – the new Coldplay LP is very poor. BOOM BOOM. And by the way, it’s JOHN Carpenter who made Halloween. Although you’re right – the sequels are rubbish.” Hey man. I control the boom booms round here.

WICKET! Cook 60 c Amla b Kallis (60th over: England 152-6 (Ambrose 0 Flintoff 0)I remember sitting outside the Taunton dressing room with a colleague on the West Country cricket circuit, Richard Latham. Caddick stepped out of the pavilion, slipped and dropped his phone into the pint glass of fruit squash he was holding in the other hand. “Still with Orange then, Caddy?” Richard deadpanned with immaculate timing. Caddick didn’t speak to him for weeks. Ah, in the meantime, it’s all over for England and I owe charity £50. Balls. Ah well. The games done now, England are as good as 1-0 down. Cook, aiming through mid-wicket, was a little early and screwed a leading edge to cover where Amla took a catch high above his head. Oh, England.

59th over: England 152-5 (Cook 60 Ambrose 0)Rather bafflingly, Ted Baxter suggests: “England need someone like Geoff Boycott or captain Oates.” Hold on, surely captain Oates would just walk out of the dressing room and not come back? Isn’t he actually a bit of a bottler? I mean, the sporting equivalent of captain Oates would be Sol Campbell or Roberto Duran wouldn’t it? “I’m just going out for a walk, I may be some time” ‘Hold on, Oatsey! You’re next in! Turns to teammate Where’s he gone?’ Don’t know, he always does this. Strange chap. Two no balls from Morkel, who is having a lot of trouble with his run-up today. “What about £5 for every insult people can send in about Andrew Caddick? Much more fun” suggests Oli Cunningham.

58th over: England 150-5 (Cook 60 Ambrose 0)Again Cook waits a while for a bad ball, and when it comes he slots it through cover for four.

57th over: England 146-5 (Cook 56 Ambrose 0)”I’ll give £5, yes £5 for every insult readers can send in about Andrew Carrick, up to a maximum of £50″ writes Josh Hardie, “You don’t need to know him, just to know he will benefit from this as much as the charity. It’s win-win.” Sounds like a riff to me. England trail by 174. Bowden has a word, but doesn’t issue a warning, to Morkel about following through onto the pitch. Come on Billy, do England a favour and make it official.

56th over: England 144-5 (Cook 55 Ambrose 0)Ambrose comes in, and the decision to leave out Collingwood is never going to look as stupid as it will in an hour from now, I’d wager. Cook explodes into life, pulling hard through mid-wicket for four.

WICKET! Bell 4 c de Villiers b Morkel (55th over: England 140-5 (Cook 50)”Was that last email on who will get a call up from Charlie Sheldrick or a hopeful (but woefully short of imagination on the pseudonym front) Charlie Schreck?” wonders Ed Banister. Morkel beats Bell once, and he’s gone. Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear. That’s an extraordinary piece of fielding by de Villiers in the gully. Worthy of a wicket but nonetheless dispiriting for it. Bell didn’t do much wrong there, he really didn’t. And that catch may just have won the day, and the match, for the South Africans. No doubt he caught that one. Bell cut hard, de Villiers dived and took the ball low down in his left hand.

54th over: England 140-4 (Cook 50 Bell 4)”I think the selectors have done rather a good job of changing a winning team” emails Tom Hopkins, “They’ve changed it to something quite markedly different from a winning team.” Kallis works his way through a tricky maiden over, moving the ball a little off the pitch, varying his length from around the wicket. Cook has nothing to do with any of it.

53rd over: England 140-4 (Cook 50 Bell 4)Steep bounce from Morkel, undone by the fact he overstepped. “I get the justgiving notifications to my email so this is a warning:” writes Alex Netherton, another of the charity runners, “If you don’t pay up, there’s NOTHING I can do about it.” Except send a bruising email. By the by someone asked why I wasn’t joining Smyth and Alex in their run. The answer? Twenty a day. Bell takes two runs to mid-wicket.

52nd over: England 137-4 (Cook 50 Bell 2)”Crikey” exclaims Ranil Dissanyake, “England cricket fans can be quite one-eyed - does Jim Carpenter (Over 49) complain when Anderson does the same thing, as he does regularly? If he thinks it’s acceptable to bounce Chris Martin coming in at number 11, then he can expect to get his skull rattled in return.” A fair point indeed, but an even fairer pay-off: “Also, can you please tell Jim to stop making sequels to Halloween? 1 and 2 are great - but the rest are all rubbish.” Bell gracefully turns his body towards leg and pushes a run out to the deep.

51st over: England 136-4 (Cook 50 Bell 1)Morne Morkel down the slope. Bright blue skies at Headingley, mottled with cotton wool clouds. Cook brings up his 12th Test fifty with a dainty cut that passes cover and goes for four. “Based on Pattinson’s call up who do we reckon could be in the next test?” wonders Charlie Sheldrick:”Robbie Keight (Cheriton Fitzpaine CC, currently rock bottom of North Devon League Div 3) took his 750th career wicket on Sunday with slow trundlers that turn like milk (takes 2 days and when it does it stinks). He is 40, does not take the new ball and quite enjoys standing at fine leg. He would fit well in to the England set up as he is used to playing for a side that can’t beat anyone at the moment either. Anyone got Geoff Miller’s email? Oops, sorry, I forgot, he learnt his cricket in England and is therefore at the back of the queue.”

50th over: England 131-4 (Cook 46 Bell 1)Kallis to start after Lunch, over the wicket to Cook from the Football Stand End. The word of the day in the Sky press box is “reverse, as it’s been so often over the last three years. We’re not at the outright “it’s reversing” stage yet, but expect someone to talk about there being the “merest hint” sometime soon. The merest hint of reverse from Kallis, here, boom boom, Cook playing the ball away to leg for one. “Just so there’s no finger pointing or false accusations” writes Oliver Gaywood, “I’ve paid up. I hope everyone else making stupid bets today also intend to lighten their wallet at the end of the day.” Good man. Any defaulters will be ritually flogged.

“Surely” chortles Peter Davies, “the greatest English lunchwatchman has to be Mike Gatting? Never took his eye off it.”

David Horn gets in the first email of the session: “it’s OK, don’t forget the adhesive qualities of Collingwood at number 6. He’ll graft it out. What? Oh.” Mmm, whatever happens, the selectors got it badly wrong for this match. As a certain OBO writer said at Lord’s: they’d shown they could do consistency, but next they’d have the far harder task of showing they can change a winning team.

LUNCH

What an enjoyable session, and what a day this is shaping up to be. England though, are running out of lives. 30 minutes to fill our bellies then I’ll be back for the afternoon session. See you shortly.

49th over: England 130-4 (Cook 46 Bell 1)Like I said at the start of play, it was never going to be a day for KP, but still, as Ross Moulden writes: “What must Jimmy be thinking now? He’s battled hard all morning, survived for over an hour and a half, been hit on the wrist and the helmet, to help his team try and save the game. Then KP comes in, smacks a few boundaries, and is out in five balls!” Last over of a fascinating session this. Bell tickles a run to fine leg. “Since when did bowlers bowl bouncers to other bowlers?” grumbles Jim Carpenter, “Didn’t there used to be an understanding, a brotherhood of hopeless batting if you like?” Yeah, this was just hard cricket: Jimmy was batting at no4 and was 30 not out afterall, but still you’re right to say: “If we get to see Steyn bat again this series (which looks unlikely), hopefully they can rough him up with some proper short stuff.” I’m sure we will. Four leg byes finish the session.

WICKET! Pietersen 13 c Boucher b Kallis (48th over: England 123-4 (Cook 44 Bell 0)Thomas Hooper was just two minutes too late with this superb email: “Based on your Over 45 text I’m picturing Jimmy Anderson as a Daniel LaRusso character defiantly struggling on, while Graeme Smith assumes the role of the bad sensei from the Cobra Kai: “Sweep the leg”.” YES. Kallis is on, and KP, who took a single at the end of the last over, flashes his first ball for four past point with astonishing style. The cojones on this kid! I tell you, that’s 13 runs from his first four balls. And he’s out next ball! Oh Kevin! What a ridiculous innings. Two wickets in two overs and England are unraveling before the lunch break. A good ball, on off stump with a little shape towards slips, and KP just feathered it through to Boucher. This partnership here is what will decide the game. Bell and Cook: two men who can bat time. “England should send in Ambrose as the lunchwatchman” jokes Tim Saintly, “If Cook takes the strike, he could make it that far”.

WICKET! Anderson 34 lbw Steyn (47th over: England 119-3 (Cook 44 Pietersen 9)”I have stupidly decided that I can’t go for a wee until Jimmy getsout…” writes Stephen Gagola, “My how I regret the four cups of water I have drank since play began.” D’oh. Jimmy flings a cut shot at Steyn. This is magnificent, really brilliant Test cricket. Steyn drops short again, Anderson stands tall and guides the ball past the slips through third man for four! He’s going to overtake Cook at this rate. Watch out for the yorker Jimmy… oh and there it is! Too predictable, but also too unplayable: full, inswinging and out. A great innings by Anderson, and he’s earned the standing ovation which is accompanying him off the ground. Right, the innings begins in earnest: KP steps across and flicks the first ball behind square on the leg side for four. And the next is four more! Eight from two balls. “Hello boys” KP seems to be saying, “it’s me again”. Glorious shot that last one, driven through long-off.

46th over: England 105-2 (Cook 43 Anderson 30)I wonder if Cook feels a little guilty for the fact that at the other end, he’s facing Paul Harris. He turns the first ball away for two runs, raising the fifty partnership. “Anderson should have retired hurt” writes Ben Shepherd, “he’s done his job as night watchman and done it well. He can go off and return - if needed! - in his normal batting position. That said, how much respect is he due for getting in behind the next one?” An awful lot, I’d say, not least because of the example he’s just set to his teammates. Cook knocks three runs away to leg, and Anderson just pushes a run to backward square.

45th over: England 99-2 (Cook 38 Anderson 29)”I don’t want to be overly-emotive, but I think I might cry if Jimmy gets a 50 today”, Ed Crothall there, a man who I sense might be afflicted by issues in areas of his life other than the cricket. Anderson pauses play after wearing Steyn’s last ball on his top-hand. He pops a painkiller and takes a swig of water. Jeez! That’s terrible: Play starts and Anderson wears the next not on his hand but his head, he crumples to turf, that’s ugly, really ugly. Fiercely tough cricket this. Anderson ducked but the ball homed in on his face grill, landing on the edge of his cheek. Horrible. He’s up, at last, getting a check over from the physio. A long stoppage follows. Anderson takes a new helmet, and it looks as though he’s staying out there. True grit. What a summer he’s having. You can just imagine a Wonder Years ‘coming of age’ voiceover playing over the highlights reel. Jimmy gets a loud round of applause from the sparse crowd. What next from Steyn? A length ball, which Anderson blocks. That’s tough cricket, really tough cricket.

44th over: England 99-2 (Cook 38 Anderson 29)Jack Russell, by the way, recently came out with this priceless quote about why he took up painting: “I thought, if Rembrandt could do it why can’t I?” Indeed. Oh, oh, oh, how good is that? Anderson takes two boundaries in two balls off Harris, both of them have Gower in something approaching raptures: the first was off the back foot, the second off the front both sped through the covers. he knocks one off the last ball and that takes him to his highest ever Test score. Did anyone take that bet on giving a pound for every run he scores? Unlucky.

43rd over: England 89-2 (Cook 38 Anderson 20)”I feel this will be the day when James Anderson ‘does a Gillespie’ and score a double hundred, mostly off edges” muses Gareth Strachan, “What will this mean? Well, apart from getting us to the point of saving the game only for us to fluff it in defeat right at the end, Andrew Flintoff will subsequently be given the nightwatchman role as a player “who can bat a bit”. After all, a certain moustachioed, Weetabix-snaffling wicket-keeper was England’s nightwatchman/number 7 par excellence back in the day. Let’s return to those glory days.” What by recalling Jack Russell? Isn’t he working as a goalkeeping coach for Forest Green Rovers these days? Still Bob Taylor made an England comeback after he was called up to keep wicket from the press box, aged 45.

42nd over: England 89-2 (Cook 38 Anderson 20)Again Anderson dinks a single off the first ball and leaves Cook to block out the rest of Harris’s over. “Re: Will Davies’ beer snake comment, this proved to be the main source of entertainment for Saturday’s crowd - and provoked a discussion on the journey home about quite why they are so strictly prohibited (chances of injury surely very slight, apart from the steward who stacked in over the seats in front of us whilst trying to intercept a fledgling ’snake’.” Yeah, Dan Blackwell, isn’t it more that they’re half full with beer dregs and backwash, and tend to burst open spilling putrid alcoholic filth on all unfortunate to be beneath them? anyway: “The sight of a grown man in a lobster outfit with a stack of empty plastic pint pots being chased by stewards was infinitely more interesting that watching Kevin Pietersen chuck a few slow deliveries down on a pitch which wasn’t turning to two batsmen who were set fair for the day.” True that I suppose.

41st over: England 88-2 (Cook 38 Anderson 19)”In the interests of transparency, does your payout hinge on Cook gettingmore than 127 today, or would a slow knock to 120* overnight allow thepossibility of your donation coming good tomorrow? we should be told.” Fair point Josh Robinson. God forbid people should think I’m some kind of ham-fisted bungler. Cook just has to pass 127, whether he does it today or not. A maiden over this, but an unthreatening one at that.

40th over: England 88-2 (Cook 38 Anderson 19)Harris continues, over the wicket into the rough. Cook leans back and flicks a single out to the off. “Speaking of betting” opens Simon Rhoades, “who would have put money on the fact that at this stage of the series the only member of the SA top six NOT to have scored a century would be Jacques Kallis? Not I. Fat bugger hasn’t even made 50. Still, he did knock over in-form Ian Bell in the first innings, so I shouldn’t be too hard on the tubby, pie-guzzling trundler.” Could Kallis actually be the least popular cricketer in the game? “There’s the danger ball” says Nasser, as Harris displays another of his variations on the one that goes straight on without turning at all.

39th over: England 87-2 (Cook 37 Anderson 19)”Further to the suggestion of sporting stewards outfits next year. I was there on Saturday, and we will be sporting green Asda t-shirts so we can be part of the most scintillating cricket of the day, during the lunch interval” quips Nick Fay. Steyn sends a bouncer hurtling over Anderson’s head, then cuts him in two with a good length from around the wicket. Reel your head in Jimmy, another five runs and you’ll have outscored your skipper. There are two of them, punched past mid-off.

38th over: England 85-2 (Cook 37 Anderson 17)Paul Harris comes into the attack. And in a very strange way I kind of fear this guy. just because English commentators have been so startlingly dismissive of the man, despite the fact his record isn’t too shabby at all. This kind of reached a nadir when Boycott apologised to Harris’s family for the fact that he just had to slate him while commentating on South African radio (I’d be queuing up for a bit of that!) It was stupendously hubristic. Anderson sweeps a single away. Cook prefers to use his pads.

37th over: England 84-2 (Cook 37 Anderson 16)Smith turns to Steyn for the first time. “Genius wheeze from MPV getting himself out last night so that he can concentrate on motivating the side in the dressing room” observes Charlie Sheldrick. Quite. I imagine he realises he might have important work to do telling his players whether or not catches have carried and exhorting them to go back to the middle despite the fact they’ve just been given out. Fast becoming one of the most crucial jobs in cricket that. Two more runs for Cook. A loud appeal from Steyn for caught behind, which he strangles out of his throat as he realises none of his teammates have joined him in his howzat.

36th over: England 82-2 (Cook 34 Anderson 16)”How about giving a pound for every run Anderson scores?” suggests John Stonestreet. Indeed John, how about it? I’ve fifty pounds riding on Cook getting more than 127 at the moment… another run to Cook, wafted away off his knees.

35th over: England 81-2 (Cook 34 Anderson 16)A very sparse crowd at Headingley today, sadly. “I was on the Western Terrace yesterday,” writes Will Davies, “and witnessed the most ingenious form of crowd control ever. Signs are put up, asking people NOT to stack their beer cups, which immediately gives the assorted Rambos, super-heroes and transvestites the idea of creating vast ‘beer snakes’, thereby neatly piling up all of their alcohol-related litter for collection by stewards. Anyone wanting to incite real anarchy on the Western Terrace next year should come dressed as ‘Headingley Steward’.” Actually that’s a fine idea for a costume. Anderson sprints a single, beating a throw from Hashim Amla, resplendent today in white sunglasses and floppy hat. Another quick single.

34th over: England 76-2 (Cook 29 Anderson 15)Ohoh! Kallis drifts wide and Anderson slashes a rather fine cut shot past point for four. Kallis replies with an off cutter, rolling his fingers over the ball, and Jimmy pops up on his toes and taps two more to mid-wicket. Suddenly Oliver Gaywood’s bet is looking slightly bolder.

33rd over: England 70-2 (Cook 29 Anderson 9)Well then, unless I’m going to end up looking very Scroogish indeed, it may be time to take another bet. I’ll go with gut feeling: £50 to Smyth’s charity says that Cook will score his Test best today. There’s one more, dropped off the hip to backward square. A long email here, from Darren Kilfara on That Bloke: “…am I the only one who thinks Pattinson’s selection was mostly political? The selectors had to know this would be a one-off pick, as Sidebottom will be fit for the third test; to pick any of the serious candidates would appear to favour one of them as next in the queue. Plus, if one of those guys takes 10 wickets in the match, you can’t really drop him for the next match. So they pick the guy who they think might do a job one a one-off basis but who is easily droppable for the next game no matter how well he performs. The theory is as plausible as anything else I’ve seen suggested.” Mmm, I see your point but for me that’s just too cynical, and 0-0 in a four match series I don’t see the selectors doing anything other than trying to pick a winning team. It used to be common, remember, for players to get picked for one-off games (the dreaded cliche ‘horses for courses’) it’s just that Duncan Fletcher never did it, so it seems unfamiliar. Anderson knocks away a single, and then picks up another four in overthrows as the ball hurtles away past the stumps to the boundary.

32nd over: England 64-2 (Cook 29 Anderson 4)Right, this is the over spanning the 35th minute, and Smith is clearly desperate to part me from my cash as he’s brought on Kallis. Six balls Jimmy, six balls. He plays the first. Misses by a yard. Terrible shot. He leaves the next, and slides his tongue around the corner of his mouth contemplatively. Oh it’s so easy for the lad, he taps two runs down to third man. And that’s the over, and that’s, umm, ten pounds that aren’t going to charity.

31st over: England 62-2 (Cook 29 Anderson 2)”If Jimmy doesn’t get more than Cook in this innings, I’ll donate a tenner. Anyone else fancy taking this one?” suggests Oliver Gaywood, oh so bravely. Two more runs from Cook at the end of the over, meaning he has as many from one ball as Jimmy has from 28.

30th over: England 60-2 (Cook 27 Anderson 2)Five overs, six runs and a sterling start by England. “As I lay here in bed eagerly awaiting a big” [insert your own comedy titter at Owen Gartside's delightfully naive opening line here] “innings from Jimmy I was wondering what kind of bizarre torture device you spend your nights in if you can manage to sleep badly on your knee (preamble)? I can save you some astronomical physiotherapy fees by suggesting you just lie flat like the rest of us.” Owen is from New Zealand, and therefore unfamiliar with the night time sado-masochistic shenanigans that are so obligatory for anyone who wants to make a success of living in Britain. Anderson squirts a single through cover, and Cook eases three more out to long-off, the flat-footed Paul Harris just scooping the ball back into play before it crossed the rope.

29th over: England 56-2 (Cook 24 Anderson 1)”I’m with you on the Engel donation fund” writes James Smith, “I’ll say 41 minutes for my tenner.” Well, it’s a curious betting system this, because of course if we’re right then we’re denying money to a worthwhile charity. But hey. I’ve another 13 minutes to go till my tenner is safe. Another no ball, another extra for England.

28th over: England 55-2 (Cook 24 Anderson 1)”I went to Headingley on Saturday,” writes James Kirk, “and two of the guys sat in front of me who were there for the day, had also been to Lords on the Sunday. So they’d paid £100 for two days of cricket, watched SA score about 450 runs and seen England take two wickets (one of which from Pattinson so probably doesn’t count). Surely they should be able to claim some money back?” Jeez. Were they dressed as ravens? They sound like a jinx if ever I heard of one. If the selectors want someone to blame… around the wicket, over the wicket, Morkel is unable to ruffle Jimmy’s feathers. Until he swings a ludicrous cover drive that gets nowhere near the ball that is. Somebody in the crowd wolf-whistles, Jimmy pulls away from the stumps coquettishly. Morkel whistles a bouncer over his head by way of reprimand.

27th over: England 54-2 (Cook 24 Anderson 1)”I’ve been abroad for 2 weeks,” not me, Tom Walling, “so missed everything so far. Who’s Pattinson?” he’s the answer to the quiz question: who made their England debut at the age of 29 after just 11 first class games and was never picked again? Also known as ‘that bloke at fine leg’ Tom, “And why are you suddenly mindlessly optimistic, Mr Bull? You know we won’t survive the day and will be 1-0 down shortly after tea.” Yup. Mindless optimism is the way forward for this morning at least. This series has too many twists to come, and after South Africa winning four day’s play in a row, I think it’s time for England to remind everybody how little there is between these two teams. Cook and Bell have both been in sure touch so far this summer, and the South African attack has failed to be as terrifying as we feared it might be, so… Anderson miscues his first run, bravely shielding Cook from strike for the next over.

26th over: England 52-2 (Cook 24 Anderson 0)And at the other end, England’s main problem - Morne Morkel. Cook leaves well alone once, twice, three times. That’s the stuff lad. He punches the next to mid-off for a single and Jimmy then nudges a leg bye away for another. South Africa’s lead is 267.

25th over: England 50-2 (Cook 23 Anderson 0)Come on Jimmy. Oh. My wallet is almost shorn a picture of Charles Darwin straight away as South Africa appeal for a caught behind after Anderson wafts at the second ball of the day. Ntini switches to around the wicket, and has Anderson groping at the ball like a child fingering a penny sweet. “What a coup if we can get a wicket early eh boys?” shouts Boucher, his tongue presumably halfway into his cheek. A maiden.

And here comes Jimmy Anderson, with another opportunity to show why he’s England’s most improved player of the year. How long can Jimmy last? Anyone fancy a quick bet? I’m saying he’ll make it through 35 minutes. If I’m wrong, and he goes before then, I’ll bung ten pounds into Smyth’s charity donations page.

An example to us all this, with around six weeks to go till he sets off Rob Smyth hasn’t given up all hope of completing his 10k run yet. Sponsor him today: it’s for the Laurie Engel Trust, which is a fine cause. If you’ve read a Wisden in the last twenty years you owe the Engel family more than you know, so please make a donation: “I am currently panting my way towards something resembling fitness in preparation for a 10-mile run in support of the Laurie Engel Fund. Or, as Smyth would have it: This is where you can contribute the pounds you are only going to fritter away on pints of Liver Compromiser; this is why we’re doing it; and this is where those based in London can contact me if they want to run/walk/stagger with us on August 31. And, most of all, my most sincere thanks to those who have already sponsored us. That last sentence can’t help but not sound sincere, but it is.”

I listen to that every morning. Very loud. I’ve been working on an animatronic Pacino doll for a while, so he can shout and rave at me every morning. Got myself into a terrible tangle with sticky back plastic. So far he says “hoo-hah” and not much else.

Myself, I prefer to make like Sam Allardyce and lay it on real thick with a little help from Al.

It’s a question of getting your head straight for the challenges ahead, as Dominic suggests: “So England are facing a Monday morning looking at a long tough week ahead, i find myself in a similar position what kind of sport pyschobabble do folk recommend to get you up, motivated to stay focussed and concentrated for the days ahead? Am using the carrot method of the Spiegel tent opening Friday night in Edinburgh, outdoor drinking in the sun should work for fredalo…”

Cook and Bell, Bell and Cook. While his runs would be welcome enough you wouldn’t say this is a day for KP. It is tailor-cut for Cook though, and maybe I just slept on it badly but the way my knee is aching this morning tells me that he’s due a monumental innings. He was in superb form till he was sawn-off in the first innings. Cook of course, has scored seven Test centuries, but he’s never passed 127. Come on Cook, show us your leave. Again and again and again.

Time to give it back to South Africa in spades, bat all day for less than 200 runs. They send one of your guys into a nap, you put one of theirs to sleep. England want to make AB de Villiers think that, by comparison to this, the Jeffrey Archer book he was reading at Lord’s was the more thrilling then he could possibly imagine.

Andy will be here very soon… like roundabout now in fact. Good morning all. How’s things? Surprised to see the sun out now that you’re back in the office and England have to bat two days for a draw?

About this articleCloseThis article was first published on guardian.co.uk on Monday July 21 2008. It was last updated at 14:57 on July 21 2008.

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