Steve Harmison with a cap, yesterday. Photograph: Matthew Childs/Action Images

3pm To recap, it’s raining, it’s pouring, Rob Smyth’s snoring, and there’s unlikely to be any play for the next hour. I’m off to write a Fiver but will keep you abreast of the weather, drop-by-drop.

Riffs, while u wait Anyone got any riffs to pass the time?

The covers, incidentally, are back on and it’s raining. It’s not looking too good.

2.50pm One of our runners/wincers from Sunday, Neill Brown, has a stick, and he’s pointing it aggressively in the direction of my person. “Oh Rob, I see you’ve finally succumbed to the cricket commentator’s go-to word: genuine (see your early thought on Luke Wright). Nasser’s a particular fan of this when he mentions ‘genuine pace’ and, even better, a ‘genuine edge’. Does this mean to say that there are ‘pretend edges’ out there?” You’re only jealous because I finished the run about seven hours before you*. Get over it!

*this is, indeed, an enormous lie

2.40pm “I got the Gills to the final of the Big Cup in Champ Manager 00/01, so if an incompetent like me can manage it, then surely Nietzsche’s model for the Übermensch, KP can do it?” asks Jim Carpenter. “Do I get any prize for mentioning Gillingham and Germany’s greatest thinker in the same email?” Germany’s? I thought Nietzsche came from Gillingham? Or have I confused the word ‘Nietzsche’ and the phrase ‘thousands of chavs’?

2.30pm No news is bad news. If the inspection is successful, play will probably start at 3.15pm. That would still allow for a 50-over game, but with a 10-minute lunch.

Solution No1 “Rob,” says Matthew Swann, “a few solutions to the whole Patel/Wright/Swann lower-order-hitter-plus-proper-spinner-balance-of-the-team-thingy for the sub-continent one-day series. 1. Adil Rashid; 2. Adil Rashid; 3. Adil Rashid; 4. Adil Rashid; or 5. Adil Rashid.” A few responses: 1. ha; 2. ahaha; 3. ahahaha; 4. ahahahahaha; 5. AHAHAHAHAHAHABLOODYHA. He’s just not ready. He’s done nothing at all to suggest he is ready - even he doesn’t think he’s ready - and legspinners need especially careful handling, especially in view of the Schofield Precedent.

Next!

“How about some love for our county cricket blog?” asks Mike Adamson. I’ll spread that love. I’ll spread any love.

They’re inspecting again at 2.45 “Things are a little bit squelchy in places” says one of the umpires, Kent legend Nigel Llong. That’s a direct quote.

To celebrate the appointment of Mike Phelan as Manchester United’s new assistant manager, I think we should all follow today’s game by wearing by a pair of inappropriately short and dangerously tight shorts, as Phelan does on the touchline every game. I’ve got mine on and am one false move away from terminally restricting the blood flow. Not that that would change much.

Don Wilson. A bonfire. Man-water “Why is everyone getting so excited about the fact that we have a chance of whitewashing South Africa in this ODI series; has everyone somehow forgotten that WE LOST THE FREAKING TEST SERIES. This is a question of priorities, if in July we had been given the option of England losing this series 5-0, but winning the Test series which option would we have chosen?” Point taken, but KP’s in charge now and everything is going to be okay forever and ever more. Isn’t that the point?

The start will be delayed because of that overnight rain, and bits of wetness on the field and that. It looks pretty blustery and more than a bit gloomy, so the weather may thwart England here.

Warmest thanks to all who sponsored Sunday’s charity run. Hopefully there will be more to come, so if you have any beer tokens knocking around, you know what to do.

The other problem is how we get used to winning. It sounds absurd, but it is unsettling. If you looked in the mirror and didn’t see that familiar stupid face lurching apologetically back at you, struggling miserably to make eye contact, you’d be similarly unsettled. All we can do is enjoy it while it lasts. But that attitude and the related gallows humour will not interest Kevin Pietersen, a born winner who accepts defeat as readily as Tony Montana. To him this is just a small part of a wider narrative, one which includes him winning the World Cup, the Grand National, Strictly Come Prancing, Big Brother, the Weakest Link, Numberwang, £100,000 cash through Reader’s Digest, the Uefa Cup with Gillingham on Championship Manager 00/01, the Ashes, and finally being confirmed as the son of God. I’m not ruling it out.

Weather forecast It’s on the awful side of dire, and there was heavy overnight rain, but at the moment the sun is shining on Sophia Gardens. Allegedly.

PreambleAhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. English cricket really has become Feel Good Inc. in the last three weeks, and the serotonin levels will rise further today if they beat South Africa and complete a 5-0 whitewash that even Kevin Pietersen might have thought unthinkable when the series started 12 days ago. They would also become, officially, the second-best one-day side in the world for the first time since the ODI rankings were introduced in 2002. This dead rubber smells damn fine.*

To put the potential achievement that England will probably bottle actually achieving in statistical context - and you want to ease yourself into a damp anorak for his bit - they have never beaten a Proper Test Nation (ie not Zimbabwe or Bangladesh) 5-0 in a one-day series before (although they did win 3-0 against, among others, Australia in 1997 and West Indies in 1988 and 1991) and South Africa have only ever been beaten 5-0 once before, in Sri Lanka in 2004.

South Africa also won 16 of their previous 19 ODIs before this series. Blame what you like for their listless performances – emotional fatigue, George Lamb, the common misuse of the word ‘refute’, George Lamb, the increasing exclusion of the question mark (which is really annoying to us purists, isn’t it), George Lamb – but it would be unnecessarily churlish to take praise away from England. We certainly don’t take any criticism away when Johnny Foreigner puts his size nines in our breadbasket, do we?

There’s no escaping it: England do finally look like a proper one-day side. Massive delusions? Very probably. We will certainly find out during the marathon 744-match one-day series in India in November (okay it’s seven ODIs and two Tests). Never mind that soulless Stanford rubbish: these are the pyjama parties that matter this winter.

One issue concerns whether England should change the winning formula they stumbled upo- sorry, the winning formula they meticulously prepared, because while this XI is built for success on home soil, it’s a whole different story on the subcontinent. Having Samit Patel as the main spinner probably isn’t sustainable for a start, despite his admirable work in this series.

Some say that’s easily solved by bringing in Graeme Swann for Luke Wright, but the problem there is that you take away the lower order’s only genuine death hitter. If you bring in Swann for Patel you reduce the formidable depth of batting. And if you bring in Swann for a quick bowler, presumably Anderson, you compromise the four-pronged 90mph attack that has been integral to this success. Anyone got any solutions?

*guardian.co.uk does not condone the ostentatiously zesty snorting of any rubber, dead or otherwise

Wee Rab will be here shortly.

About this articleCloseEngland v South Africa - live! This article was first published on guardian.co.uk on Wednesday September 03 2008. It was last updated at 15:00 on September 03 2008.

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