Alastair Cook: time for a career-defining innings? No, no apparently not. Photograph: Scott Heavey/Action Images

66th over: England 156-6 (Ambrose 1 Flintoff 2)Kallis takes a spell and Steyn is on. “Only Flintoff’s beard stands between South Africa and victory now” comments Keith Flett, lost somewhere in world of his own. A maiden, Flintoff picking out the fielders as he pushes and flicks the ball around.

65th over: England 156-6 (Ambrose 1 Flintoff 2)Ntini tosses some more filth down the leg side. England should be grateful that the South Africans are keeping Nel out of the team for a guy who is in such poor form.

64th over: England 156-6 (Ambrose 1 Flintoff 2)At the moment, Anderson is England’s second highest scorer for the innings. Frankly, that’s a pathetic reflection on the top six, who should all be feeling deeply uneasy that their no9 has shown more application and ability in adversity than the rest of them.

63rd over: England 156-6 (Ambrose 1 Flintoff 2)Ambrose gets his first run with a single past extra cover. “There’s the story that a Caribbean journalist teased Caddick him in print for the size of his lugholes” writes Dom O’Reilly, “Caddick demanded an apology and got it. The apology ran, “I am very sorry Andy Caddick has big ears.”

62nd over: England 153-6 (Ambrose 0 Flintoff 1)Nothing like nipping it in the bud early. Dom Riches writes: “Andy Carrick: Fat, bald, terrible breath, totally lop-sided ears, horrific gravel-faced wife, shortarse with absolutely no dress sense, no charisma, no discernible genitalia and, by the looks of it, no loyal friends either. That’s ten insults and fifty quid now owed by Josh Hardie”. A maiden from Ntini.

61st over: England 153-6 (Ambrose 0 Flintoff 1)”Why lament the absence of Colly?” grumbles Gary Naylor, who has been sore-headed right through this match, “He has never made a second innings fifty in a match that England have saved.” 1) We’re making a direct comparison with Tim Ambrose over their respective merits at no6 2) you’ve added too many caveats 3) 80 from 196 balls at Lahore 2005 as England lost by an innings 4) 96 from 155 balls at Brisbane in the first Ashes Test as England lost by 277 runs. Not that I’m playing devil’s advocate or anything.

61st over: England 152-6 (Ambrose 0 Flintoff 0)”In response to Ranil,” writes Mr Jim Carpenter, “I think that roughing up Chris Martin is perfectly acceptable – the new Coldplay LP is very poor. BOOM BOOM. And by the way, it’s JOHN Carpenter who made Halloween. Although you’re right – the sequels are rubbish.” Hey man. I control the boom booms round here.

WICKET! Cook 60 c Amla b Kallis (60th over: England 152-6 (Ambrose 0 Flintoff 0)I remember sitting outside the Taunton dressing room with a colleague on the West Country cricket circuit, Richard Latham. Caddick stepped out of the pavilion, slipped and dropped his phone into the pint glass of fruit squash he was holding in the other hand. “Still with Orange then, Caddy?” Richard deadpanned with immaculate timing. Caddick didn’t speak to him for weeks. Ah, in the meantime, it’s all over for England and I owe charity £50. Balls. Ah well. The games done now, England are as good as 1-0 down. Cook, aiming through mid-wicket, was a little early and screwed a leading edge to cover where Amla took a catch high above his head. Oh, England.

59th over: England 152-5 (Cook 60 Ambrose 0)Rather bafflingly, Ted Baxter suggests: “England need someone like Geoff Boycott or captain Oates.” Hold on, surely captain Oates would just walk out of the dressing room and not come back? Isn’t he actually a bit of a bottler? I mean, the sporting equivalent of captain Oates would be Sol Campbell or Roberto Duran wouldn’t it? “I’m just going out for a walk, I may be some time” ‘Hold on, Oatsey! You’re next in! Turns to teammate Where’s he gone?’ Don’t know, he always does this. Strange chap. Two no balls from Morkel, who is having a lot of trouble with his run-up today. “What about £5 for every insult people can send in about Andrew Caddick? Much more fun” suggests Oli Cunningham.

58th over: England 150-5 (Cook 60 Ambrose 0)Again Cook waits a while for a bad ball, and when it comes he slots it through cover for four.

57th over: England 146-5 (Cook 56 Ambrose 0)”I’ll give £5, yes £5 for every insult readers can send in about Andrew Carrick, up to a maximum of £50″ writes Josh Hardie, “You don’t need to know him, just to know he will benefit from this as much as the charity. It’s win-win.” Sounds like a riff to me. England trail by 174. Bowden has a word, but doesn’t issue a warning, to Morkel about following through onto the pitch. Come on Billy, do England a favour and make it official.

56th over: England 144-5 (Cook 55 Ambrose 0)Ambrose comes in, and the decision to leave out Collingwood is never going to look as stupid as it will in an hour from now, I’d wager. Cook explodes into life, pulling hard through mid-wicket for four.

WICKET! Bell 4 c de Villiers b Morkel (55th over: England 140-5 (Cook 50)”Was that last email on who will get a call up from Charlie Sheldrick or a hopeful (but woefully short of imagination on the pseudonym front) Charlie Schreck?” wonders Ed Banister. Morkel beats Bell once, and he’s gone. Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear. That’s an extraordinary piece of fielding by de Villiers in the gully. Worthy of a wicket but nonetheless dispiriting for it. Bell didn’t do much wrong there, he really didn’t. And that catch may just have won the day, and the match, for the South Africans. No doubt he caught that one. Bell cut hard, de Villiers dived and took the ball low down in his left hand.

54th over: England 140-4 (Cook 50 Bell 4)”I think the selectors have done rather a good job of changing a winning team” emails Tom Hopkins, “They’ve changed it to something quite markedly different from a winning team.” Kallis works his way through a tricky maiden over, moving the ball a little off the pitch, varying his length from around the wicket. Cook has nothing to do with any of it.

53rd over: England 140-4 (Cook 50 Bell 4)Steep bounce from Morkel, undone by the fact he overstepped. “I get the justgiving notifications to my email so this is a warning:” writes Alex Netherton, another of the charity runners, “If you don’t pay up, there’s NOTHING I can do about it.” Except send a bruising email. By the by someone asked why I wasn’t joining Smyth and Alex in their run. The answer? Twenty a day. Bell takes two runs to mid-wicket.

52nd over: England 137-4 (Cook 50 Bell 2)”Crikey” exclaims Ranil Dissanyake, “England cricket fans can be quite one-eyed - does Jim Carpenter (Over 49) complain when Anderson does the same thing, as he does regularly? If he thinks it’s acceptable to bounce Chris Martin coming in at number 11, then he can expect to get his skull rattled in return.” A fair point indeed, but an even fairer pay-off: “Also, can you please tell Jim to stop making sequels to Halloween? 1 and 2 are great - but the rest are all rubbish.” Bell gracefully turns his body towards leg and pushes a run out to the deep.

51st over: England 136-4 (Cook 50 Bell 1)Morne Morkel down the slope. Bright blue skies at Headingley, mottled with cotton wool clouds. Cook brings up his 12th Test fifty with a dainty cut that passes cover and goes for four. “Based on Pattinson’s call up who do we reckon could be in the next test?” wonders Charlie Sheldrick:”Robbie Keight (Cheriton Fitzpaine CC, currently rock bottom of North Devon League Div 3) took his 750th career wicket on Sunday with slow trundlers that turn like milk (takes 2 days and when it does it stinks). He is 40, does not take the new ball and quite enjoys standing at fine leg. He would fit well in to the England set up as he is used to playing for a side that can’t beat anyone at the moment either. Anyone got Geoff Miller’s email? Oops, sorry, I forgot, he learnt his cricket in England and is therefore at the back of the queue.”

50th over: England 131-4 (Cook 46 Bell 1)Kallis to start after Lunch, over the wicket to Cook from the Football Stand End. The word of the day in the Sky press box is “reverse, as it’s been so often over the last three years. We’re not at the outright “it’s reversing” stage yet, but expect someone to talk about there being the “merest hint” sometime soon. The merest hint of reverse from Kallis, here, boom boom, Cook playing the ball away to leg for one. “Just so there’s no finger pointing or false accusations” writes Oliver Gaywood, “I’ve paid up. I hope everyone else making stupid bets today also intend to lighten their wallet at the end of the day.” Good man. Any defaulters will be ritually flogged.

“Surely” chortles Peter Davies, “the greatest English lunchwatchman has to be Mike Gatting? Never took his eye off it.”

David Horn gets in the first email of the session: “it’s OK, don’t forget the adhesive qualities of Collingwood at number 6. He’ll graft it out. What? Oh.” Mmm, whatever happens, the selectors got it badly wrong for this match. As a certain OBO writer said at Lord’s: they’d shown they could do consistency, but next they’d have the far harder task of showing they can change a winning team.

LUNCH

What an enjoyable session, and what a day this is shaping up to be. England though, are running out of lives. 30 minutes to fill our bellies then I’ll be back for the afternoon session. See you shortly.

49th over: England 130-4 (Cook 46 Bell 1)Like I said at the start of play, it was never going to be a day for KP, but still, as Ross Moulden writes: “What must Jimmy be thinking now? He’s battled hard all morning, survived for over an hour and a half, been hit on the wrist and the helmet, to help his team try and save the game. Then KP comes in, smacks a few boundaries, and is out in five balls!” Last over of a fascinating session this. Bell tickles a run to fine leg. “Since when did bowlers bowl bouncers to other bowlers?” grumbles Jim Carpenter, “Didn’t there used to be an understanding, a brotherhood of hopeless batting if you like?” Yeah, this was just hard cricket: Jimmy was batting at no4 and was 30 not out afterall, but still you’re right to say: “If we get to see Steyn bat again this series (which looks unlikely), hopefully they can rough him up with some proper short stuff.” I’m sure we will. Four leg byes finish the session.

WICKET! Pietersen 13 c Boucher b Kallis (48th over: England 123-4 (Cook 44 Bell 0)Thomas Hooper was just two minutes too late with this superb email: “Based on your Over 45 text I’m picturing Jimmy Anderson as a Daniel LaRusso character defiantly struggling on, while Graeme Smith assumes the role of the bad sensei from the Cobra Kai: “Sweep the leg”.” YES. Kallis is on, and KP, who took a single at the end of the last over, flashes his first ball for four past point with astonishing style. The cojones on this kid! I tell you, that’s 13 runs from his first four balls. And he’s out next ball! Oh Kevin! What a ridiculous innings. Two wickets in two overs and England are unraveling before the lunch break. A good ball, on off stump with a little shape towards slips, and KP just feathered it through to Boucher. This partnership here is what will decide the game. Bell and Cook: two men who can bat time. “England should send in Ambrose as the lunchwatchman” jokes Tim Saintly, “If Cook takes the strike, he could make it that far”.

WICKET! Anderson 34 lbw Steyn (47th over: England 119-3 (Cook 44 Pietersen 9)”I have stupidly decided that I can’t go for a wee until Jimmy getsout…” writes Stephen Gagola, “My how I regret the four cups of water I have drank since play began.” D’oh. Jimmy flings a cut shot at Steyn. This is magnificent, really brilliant Test cricket. Steyn drops short again, Anderson stands tall and guides the ball past the slips through third man for four! He’s going to overtake Cook at this rate. Watch out for the yorker Jimmy… oh and there it is! Too predictable, but also too unplayable: full, inswinging and out. A great innings by Anderson, and he’s earned the standing ovation which is accompanying him off the ground. Right, the innings begins in earnest: KP steps across and flicks the first ball behind square on the leg side for four. And the next is four more! Eight from two balls. “Hello boys” KP seems to be saying, “it’s me again”. Glorious shot that last one, driven through long-off.

46th over: England 105-2 (Cook 43 Anderson 30)I wonder if Cook feels a little guilty for the fact that at the other end, he’s facing Paul Harris. He turns the first ball away for two runs, raising the fifty partnership. “Anderson should have retired hurt” writes Ben Shepherd, “he’s done his job as night watchman and done it well. He can go off and return - if needed! - in his normal batting position. That said, how much respect is he due for getting in behind the next one?” An awful lot, I’d say, not least because of the example he’s just set to his teammates. Cook knocks three runs away to leg, and Anderson just pushes a run to backward square.

45th over: England 99-2 (Cook 38 Anderson 29)”I don’t want to be overly-emotive, but I think I might cry if Jimmy gets a 50 today”, Ed Crothall there, a man who I sense might be afflicted by issues in areas of his life other than the cricket. Anderson pauses play after wearing Steyn’s last ball on his top-hand. He pops a painkiller and takes a swig of water. Jeez! That’s terrible: Play starts and Anderson wears the next not on his hand but his head, he crumples to turf, that’s ugly, really ugly. Fiercely tough cricket this. Anderson ducked but the ball homed in on his face grill, landing on the edge of his cheek. Horrible. He’s up, at last, getting a check over from the physio. A long stoppage follows. Anderson takes a new helmet, and it looks as though he’s staying out there. True grit. What a summer he’s having. You can just imagine a Wonder Years ‘coming of age’ voiceover playing over the highlights reel. Jimmy gets a loud round of applause from the sparse crowd. What next from Steyn? A length ball, which Anderson blocks. That’s tough cricket, really tough cricket.

44th over: England 99-2 (Cook 38 Anderson 29)Jack Russell, by the way, recently came out with this priceless quote about why he took up painting: “I thought, if Rembrandt could do it why can’t I?” Indeed. Oh, oh, oh, how good is that? Anderson takes two boundaries in two balls off Harris, both of them have Gower in something approaching raptures: the first was off the back foot, the second off the front both sped through the covers. he knocks one off the last ball and that takes him to his highest ever Test score. Did anyone take that bet on giving a pound for every run he scores? Unlucky.

43rd over: England 89-2 (Cook 38 Anderson 20)”I feel this will be the day when James Anderson ‘does a Gillespie’ and score a double hundred, mostly off edges” muses Gareth Strachan, “What will this mean? Well, apart from getting us to the point of saving the game only for us to fluff it in defeat right at the end, Andrew Flintoff will subsequently be given the nightwatchman role as a player “who can bat a bit”. After all, a certain moustachioed, Weetabix-snaffling wicket-keeper was England’s nightwatchman/number 7 par excellence back in the day. Let’s return to those glory days.” What by recalling Jack Russell? Isn’t he working as a goalkeeping coach for Forest Green Rovers these days? Still Bob Taylor made an England comeback after he was called up to keep wicket from the press box, aged 45.

42nd over: England 89-2 (Cook 38 Anderson 20)Again Anderson dinks a single off the first ball and leaves Cook to block out the rest of Harris’s over. “Re: Will Davies’ beer snake comment, this proved to be the main source of entertainment for Saturday’s crowd - and provoked a discussion on the journey home about quite why they are so strictly prohibited (chances of injury surely very slight, apart from the steward who stacked in over the seats in front of us whilst trying to intercept a fledgling ’snake’.” Yeah, Dan Blackwell, isn’t it more that they’re half full with beer dregs and backwash, and tend to burst open spilling putrid alcoholic filth on all unfortunate to be beneath them? anyway: “The sight of a grown man in a lobster outfit with a stack of empty plastic pint pots being chased by stewards was infinitely more interesting that watching Kevin Pietersen chuck a few slow deliveries down on a pitch which wasn’t turning to two batsmen who were set fair for the day.” True that I suppose.

41st over: England 88-2 (Cook 38 Anderson 19)”In the interests of transparency, does your payout hinge on Cook gettingmore than 127 today, or would a slow knock to 120* overnight allow thepossibility of your donation coming good tomorrow? we should be told.” Fair point Josh Robinson. God forbid people should think I’m some kind of ham-fisted bungler. Cook just has to pass 127, whether he does it today or not. A maiden over this, but an unthreatening one at that.

40th over: England 88-2 (Cook 38 Anderson 19)Harris continues, over the wicket into the rough. Cook leans back and flicks a single out to the off. “Speaking of betting” opens Simon Rhoades, “who would have put money on the fact that at this stage of the series the only member of the SA top six NOT to have scored a century would be Jacques Kallis? Not I. Fat bugger hasn’t even made 50. Still, he did knock over in-form Ian Bell in the first innings, so I shouldn’t be too hard on the tubby, pie-guzzling trundler.” Could Kallis actually be the least popular cricketer in the game? “There’s the danger ball” says Nasser, as Harris displays another of his variations on the one that goes straight on without turning at all.

39th over: England 87-2 (Cook 37 Anderson 19)”Further to the suggestion of sporting stewards outfits next year. I was there on Saturday, and we will be sporting green Asda t-shirts so we can be part of the most scintillating cricket of the day, during the lunch interval” quips Nick Fay. Steyn sends a bouncer hurtling over Anderson’s head, then cuts him in two with a good length from around the wicket. Reel your head in Jimmy, another five runs and you’ll have outscored your skipper. There are two of them, punched past mid-off.

38th over: England 85-2 (Cook 37 Anderson 17)Paul Harris comes into the attack. And in a very strange way I kind of fear this guy. just because English commentators have been so startlingly dismissive of the man, despite the fact his record isn’t too shabby at all. This kind of reached a nadir when Boycott apologised to Harris’s family for the fact that he just had to slate him while commentating on South African radio (I’d be queuing up for a bit of that!) It was stupendously hubristic. Anderson sweeps a single away. Cook prefers to use his pads.

37th over: England 84-2 (Cook 37 Anderson 16)Smith turns to Steyn for the first time. “Genius wheeze from MPV getting himself out last night so that he can concentrate on motivating the side in the dressing room” observes Charlie Sheldrick. Quite. I imagine he realises he might have important work to do telling his players whether or not catches have carried and exhorting them to go back to the middle despite the fact they’ve just been given out. Fast becoming one of the most crucial jobs in cricket that. Two more runs for Cook. A loud appeal from Steyn for caught behind, which he strangles out of his throat as he realises none of his teammates have joined him in his howzat.

36th over: England 82-2 (Cook 34 Anderson 16)”How about giving a pound for every run Anderson scores?” suggests John Stonestreet. Indeed John, how about it? I’ve fifty pounds riding on Cook getting more than 127 at the moment… another run to Cook, wafted away off his knees.

35th over: England 81-2 (Cook 34 Anderson 16)A very sparse crowd at Headingley today, sadly. “I was on the Western Terrace yesterday,” writes Will Davies, “and witnessed the most ingenious form of crowd control ever. Signs are put up, asking people NOT to stack their beer cups, which immediately gives the assorted Rambos, super-heroes and transvestites the idea of creating vast ‘beer snakes’, thereby neatly piling up all of their alcohol-related litter for collection by stewards. Anyone wanting to incite real anarchy on the Western Terrace next year should come dressed as ‘Headingley Steward’.” Actually that’s a fine idea for a costume. Anderson sprints a single, beating a throw from Hashim Amla, resplendent today in white sunglasses and floppy hat. Another quick single.

34th over: England 76-2 (Cook 29 Anderson 15)Ohoh! Kallis drifts wide and Anderson slashes a rather fine cut shot past point for four. Kallis replies with an off cutter, rolling his fingers over the ball, and Jimmy pops up on his toes and taps two more to mid-wicket. Suddenly Oliver Gaywood’s bet is looking slightly bolder.

33rd over: England 70-2 (Cook 29 Anderson 9)Well then, unless I’m going to end up looking very Scroogish indeed, it may be time to take another bet. I’ll go with gut feeling: £50 to Smyth’s charity says that Cook will score his Test best today. There’s one more, dropped off the hip to backward square. A long email here, from Darren Kilfara on That Bloke: “…am I the only one who thinks Pattinson’s selection was mostly political? The selectors had to know this would be a one-off pick, as Sidebottom will be fit for the third test; to pick any of the serious candidates would appear to favour one of them as next in the queue. Plus, if one of those guys takes 10 wickets in the match, you can’t really drop him for the next match. So they pick the guy who they think might do a job one a one-off basis but who is easily droppable for the next game no matter how well he performs. The theory is as plausible as anything else I’ve seen suggested.” Mmm, I see your point but for me that’s just too cynical, and 0-0 in a four match series I don’t see the selectors doing anything other than trying to pick a winning team. It used to be common, remember, for players to get picked for one-off games (the dreaded cliche ‘horses for courses’) it’s just that Duncan Fletcher never did it, so it seems unfamiliar. Anderson knocks away a single, and then picks up another four in overthrows as the ball hurtles away past the stumps to the boundary.

32nd over: England 64-2 (Cook 29 Anderson 4)Right, this is the over spanning the 35th minute, and Smith is clearly desperate to part me from my cash as he’s brought on Kallis. Six balls Jimmy, six balls. He plays the first. Misses by a yard. Terrible shot. He leaves the next, and slides his tongue around the corner of his mouth contemplatively. Oh it’s so easy for the lad, he taps two runs down to third man. And that’s the over, and that’s, umm, ten pounds that aren’t going to charity.

31st over: England 62-2 (Cook 29 Anderson 2)”If Jimmy doesn’t get more than Cook in this innings, I’ll donate a tenner. Anyone else fancy taking this one?” suggests Oliver Gaywood, oh so bravely. Two more runs from Cook at the end of the over, meaning he has as many from one ball as Jimmy has from 28.

30th over: England 60-2 (Cook 27 Anderson 2)Five overs, six runs and a sterling start by England. “As I lay here in bed eagerly awaiting a big” [insert your own comedy titter at Owen Gartside's delightfully naive opening line here] “innings from Jimmy I was wondering what kind of bizarre torture device you spend your nights in if you can manage to sleep badly on your knee (preamble)? I can save you some astronomical physiotherapy fees by suggesting you just lie flat like the rest of us.” Owen is from New Zealand, and therefore unfamiliar with the night time sado-masochistic shenanigans that are so obligatory for anyone who wants to make a success of living in Britain. Anderson squirts a single through cover, and Cook eases three more out to long-off, the flat-footed Paul Harris just scooping the ball back into play before it crossed the rope.

29th over: England 56-2 (Cook 24 Anderson 1)”I’m with you on the Engel donation fund” writes James Smith, “I’ll say 41 minutes for my tenner.” Well, it’s a curious betting system this, because of course if we’re right then we’re denying money to a worthwhile charity. But hey. I’ve another 13 minutes to go till my tenner is safe. Another no ball, another extra for England.

28th over: England 55-2 (Cook 24 Anderson 1)”I went to Headingley on Saturday,” writes James Kirk, “and two of the guys sat in front of me who were there for the day, had also been to Lords on the Sunday. So they’d paid £100 for two days of cricket, watched SA score about 450 runs and seen England take two wickets (one of which from Pattinson so probably doesn’t count). Surely they should be able to claim some money back?” Jeez. Were they dressed as ravens? They sound like a jinx if ever I heard of one. If the selectors want someone to blame… around the wicket, over the wicket, Morkel is unable to ruffle Jimmy’s feathers. Until he swings a ludicrous cover drive that gets nowhere near the ball that is. Somebody in the crowd wolf-whistles, Jimmy pulls away from the stumps coquettishly. Morkel whistles a bouncer over his head by way of reprimand.

27th over: England 54-2 (Cook 24 Anderson 1)”I’ve been abroad for 2 weeks,” not me, Tom Walling, “so missed everything so far. Who’s Pattinson?” he’s the answer to the quiz question: who made their England debut at the age of 29 after just 11 first class games and was never picked again? Also known as ‘that bloke at fine leg’ Tom, “And why are you suddenly mindlessly optimistic, Mr Bull? You know we won’t survive the day and will be 1-0 down shortly after tea.” Yup. Mindless optimism is the way forward for this morning at least. This series has too many twists to come, and after South Africa winning four day’s play in a row, I think it’s time for England to remind everybody how little there is between these two teams. Cook and Bell have both been in sure touch so far this summer, and the South African attack has failed to be as terrifying as we feared it might be, so… Anderson miscues his first run, bravely shielding Cook from strike for the next over.

26th over: England 52-2 (Cook 24 Anderson 0)And at the other end, England’s main problem - Morne Morkel. Cook leaves well alone once, twice, three times. That’s the stuff lad. He punches the next to mid-off for a single and Jimmy then nudges a leg bye away for another. South Africa’s lead is 267.

25th over: England 50-2 (Cook 23 Anderson 0)Come on Jimmy. Oh. My wallet is almost shorn a picture of Charles Darwin straight away as South Africa appeal for a caught behind after Anderson wafts at the second ball of the day. Ntini switches to around the wicket, and has Anderson groping at the ball like a child fingering a penny sweet. “What a coup if we can get a wicket early eh boys?” shouts Boucher, his tongue presumably halfway into his cheek. A maiden.

And here comes Jimmy Anderson, with another opportunity to show why he’s England’s most improved player of the year. How long can Jimmy last? Anyone fancy a quick bet? I’m saying he’ll make it through 35 minutes. If I’m wrong, and he goes before then, I’ll bung ten pounds into Smyth’s charity donations page.

An example to us all this, with around six weeks to go till he sets off Rob Smyth hasn’t given up all hope of completing his 10k run yet. Sponsor him today: it’s for the Laurie Engel Trust, which is a fine cause. If you’ve read a Wisden in the last twenty years you owe the Engel family more than you know, so please make a donation: “I am currently panting my way towards something resembling fitness in preparation for a 10-mile run in support of the Laurie Engel Fund. Or, as Smyth would have it: This is where you can contribute the pounds you are only going to fritter away on pints of Liver Compromiser; this is why we’re doing it; and this is where those based in London can contact me if they want to run/walk/stagger with us on August 31. And, most of all, my most sincere thanks to those who have already sponsored us. That last sentence can’t help but not sound sincere, but it is.”

I listen to that every morning. Very loud. I’ve been working on an animatronic Pacino doll for a while, so he can shout and rave at me every morning. Got myself into a terrible tangle with sticky back plastic. So far he says “hoo-hah” and not much else.

Myself, I prefer to make like Sam Allardyce and lay it on real thick with a little help from Al.

It’s a question of getting your head straight for the challenges ahead, as Dominic suggests: “So England are facing a Monday morning looking at a long tough week ahead, i find myself in a similar position what kind of sport pyschobabble do folk recommend to get you up, motivated to stay focussed and concentrated for the days ahead? Am using the carrot method of the Spiegel tent opening Friday night in Edinburgh, outdoor drinking in the sun should work for fredalo…”

Cook and Bell, Bell and Cook. While his runs would be welcome enough you wouldn’t say this is a day for KP. It is tailor-cut for Cook though, and maybe I just slept on it badly but the way my knee is aching this morning tells me that he’s due a monumental innings. He was in superb form till he was sawn-off in the first innings. Cook of course, has scored seven Test centuries, but he’s never passed 127. Come on Cook, show us your leave. Again and again and again.

Time to give it back to South Africa in spades, bat all day for less than 200 runs. They send one of your guys into a nap, you put one of theirs to sleep. England want to make AB de Villiers think that, by comparison to this, the Jeffrey Archer book he was reading at Lord’s was the more thrilling then he could possibly imagine.

Andy will be here very soon… like roundabout now in fact. Good morning all. How’s things? Surprised to see the sun out now that you’re back in the office and England have to bat two days for a draw?

About this articleCloseThis article was first published on guardian.co.uk on Monday July 21 2008. It was last updated at 14:57 on July 21 2008.

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I never thought it would be this easy. Photograph: Tom Shaw/Getty Images

49th over: South Africa 110-0 (McKenzie 42 Smith 60)Don’t worry, there’s Jacques Kallis to come after this you know. “Dear Mr. Bull” writes the extremely polite Michael Gorman, “When did “gift” become a verb? (If there was anything interesting about the cricket, I wouldn’t have bothered to ask.)” 1973 of course. Silly man.

48th over: South Africa 106-0 (McKenzie 41 Smith 57)South Africa now trail by 240. At the current rate they’ll have caught up in around 120 overs, or rather, by tea time tomorrow.

47th over: South Africa 103-0 (McKenzie 40 Smith 56)A maiden.

46th over: South Africa 103-0 (McKenzie 40 Smith 56)”Someone needs to give Anderson the other half of that banana” comments Da Xiong, as South Africa raise the 100 with a thick edge for four.

45th over: South Africa 98-0 (McKenzie 38 Smith 51)Poor shot by Smith, clipping a catch towards cover but bisecting the two fielders, both of whom shrug in frustration as the ball flies on by. All a bit hot and slow at Lord’s at the moment, the afternoon lull manifesting itself not just in the sleepiness of the spectators but in the attitude of the two batsmen, both of whom have nearly gifted their wickets with sloppy shots in recent overs. Something is stewing here.

44th over: South Africa 96-0 (McKenzie 38 Smith 51)Crack. McKenzie takes a long stride and drives hard through the covers for four as Anderson over-pitches. There’s something about a cover drive, when you play it right, that sounds so impossibly fine to a cricket fan’s mind. Crack-thump. At last Anderson finds the edge, but the catch drops well short of Ambrose and the ball then scoots underneath his gloves and away for four.

43rd over: South Africa 88-0 (McKenzie 30 Smith 51)Broad, wide on the crease from over the wicket. Nothing doing.

42nd over: South Africa 88-0 (McKenzie 30 Smith 51)McKenzie swings wildly at a wide delivery, drawing cackles of gleeful jeers from the fielders. Anderson produces a beauty next up, skimming the edge of McKenzie’s forward prod.

41st over: South Africa 88-0 (McKenzie 30 Smith 51)Stuart Broad returns to the attack. Smith raises his fifty with a woodsman’s cut shot past backward point. It’s taken him 106 balls.

For me, this about covers it:

40th over: South Africa 84-0 (McKenzie 30 Smith 47)A butterfingers misfield from Sidebottom gifts McKenzie a four. McKenzie has now faced 138 balls, and failed to score (perhaps that should be succeeded in not scoring off) 123 of them. “Great, great innings” deadpans Nasser, his tongue only halfway into his cheek.

39th over: South Africa 80-0 (McKenzie 26 Smith 47)Smith clumps four runs from outside off stump and through mid-wicket. Monty pushes a full ball up and pings Smith on the pad as he crouches into a sweep shot. It rouses an lbw appeal, but Smith is batting too cannily to be caught out in that fashion, ensuring that he takes a stride across his stumps so he’s well outside the line of off.

38th over: South Africa 75-0 (McKenzie 25 Smith 43)The 12th man brings a banana out for Anderson. “I just don’t know what’s going off out there” comes Fred Trueman’s voice from beyond the grave. Anderson gobbles half the banana and then gives it back to the 12th, who scurries off the pitch, presumably feeling like a bit of a chump. Hard graft here from Jimmy mind, threading together an elaborate plot to undo Smith, sending down outswinger after outswinger (not that the swing is at all that pronounced) and preparing himself to flick the ball around and try to shape one back into Smith’s pads. And there it is, delivered from around the wicket. Smith is equal to it. Another maiden.

37th over: South Africa 75-0 (McKenzie 25 Smith 43)Monty muddles through another.

36th over: South Africa 74-0 (McKenzie 25 Smith 42)Great ball from Anderson, coming down the slope of the pitch into off stump in a manner reminiscent of Glenn McGrath’s first innings spell here in 2005. If with markedly less destructive results. That’s another maiden for Jimmy, meaning he now has the rather phenomenal figures of 30-9-53-1 in the match. And suddenly he does seem rather more like the parsimonious young line and length merchant of the early years of his career.

35th over: South Africa 74-0 (McKenzie 25 Smith 42)”I listened to it while munching a bacon sandwich and drinking beer,” mumbles the fascinatingly named Tame Alien, “and it was still a good interview.” I love the reassuringly banal banter of the English. Monty is pushing his line out wider, inviting Smith to drive against the spin. Which is just what he does, for two runs past cover.

34th over: South Africa 71-0 (McKenzie 24 Smith 40)And at the other end comes Jimmy Anderson. Though the innings is drifting, England are playing with a resolute confidence that comes from playing as they have in the first three days of this match. Smith square drives four out past backward point.

33rd over: South Africa 67-0 (McKenzie 24 Smith 36)A maiden to open the afternoon session, bowled by Monty and blocked by McKenzie.

Or was it just better because I listened to it while I was sinking a glass of red wine and swirling my fork through a bowl of spaghetti?

Welcome back all. Great interview on TMS with Neil Warnock, if you heard it, on the differences between refereeing football and umpiring cricket.

LUNCH

And that ends a dawdling, at times absorbing session, I’m off to track down something edible. Like an alsatian. Cheerio.

32nd over: South Africa 67-0 (McKenzie 24 Smith 36)Vaughan, a cheeky grin on his face, tosses the ball to KP for a token over before lunch, Smith gloves the first ball past Ambrose and away past long-stop for four. The batsmen trade singles and that takes us into lunch.

31st over: South Africa 61-0 (McKenzie 23 Smith 33)Monty finally tosses up a loose ball, and McKenzie thumps it through long-on for four, meaning he’s now struck consecutive boundaries. It takes a neat diving stop from KP to cut off a cover drive and deny him a third.

30th over: South Africa 56-0 (McKenzie 19 Smith 32)”Murray Goodwin described Tim Ambrose on Sky Sports News yesterday as, “Mentally, very uncomplicated.” Is this the most backhanded compliment ever paid to someone?” is a neat observation from Tom Lester.

29th over: South Africa 55-0 (McKenzie 15 Smith 31)Having been lulled into a near comatose state at the crease over the last hour, McKenzie finally rouses himself into aggressive action, coming down the pitch and driving four past long-on.

28th over: South Africa 51-0 (McKenzie 15 Smith 31)The fifty finally comes, courtesy of a leg bye. My thoughts, like those of almost everyone else I imagine, are fixed firmly on lunch. So easy to be a selector isn’t it Glenn Rainton? Money for old rope. “Broad stays as he is our all rounder, Freddie comes in as a bowler at the expense of Colly, the rest stay as is. So Ambrose and Broad move up the order and Flintoff comes in at 8. Simon Jones needs a full season in county cricket and then a tour to the Carribean, he would like those pitches a lot. If he is fit and ready then with a heavy heart I would have to say goodbye to our Ryan. End of debate.” Yes, until you realise you now have Tim Ambrose, Test average 30, batting at no6 and that you’ve just dropped our single most dependable bowler.

27th over: South Africa 49-0 (McKenzie 15 Smith 30)McKenzie blocks out another maiden radiating the inner confidence, smugness even, of a man who has a wife who looks the way his does.

26th over: South Africa 49-0 (McKenzie 15 Smith 30)The South African run rate is now down beneath two an over, and it’s been 13 overs and roundabout an hour since the last boundary.

25th over: South Africa 49-0 (McKenzie 15 Smith 30)To put that in perspective, that puts Flintoff 13th in Lancashire’s first class averages, just between Mark Chilton and Steven Mullaney. And we want to bat him at six? A maiden from Monty, who has now bowled eight overs for 11 runs.

24th over: South Africa 49-0 (McKenzie 15 Smith 30)One of the England fielders has just offered up this sledge to Smith: “he can’t wait to get back to the IPL lads!” Sidebottom, spurred on, cuts Smith in half with another jaffa, which does everything but take a wicket. He follows it with a yorker, which Smith blocks.

23rd over: South Africa 47-0 (McKenzie 15 Smith 27)As Monty hustles his way through another tight over, I’ve time to do a little maths. Flintoff’s batting record this season, for all those thinking of sticking him at no6, is 213 runs from 16 innings at an average of around 18. In first class cricket he’s scored 93 runs at 15, with the true filthiness of the record disguised by an innings of 62 not out. Take that away and he’s scored 31 runs in six innings.

22nd over: South Africa 46-0 (McKenzie 15 Smith 27)South Africa are now 300 runs behind. A maiden from Sidebottom keeps them there.

21st over: South Africa 46-0 (McKenzie 15 Smith 27)The collective gasp goes up from crowd, commentators and catchers alike as Monty spins his first ball out of the rough and through Smith’s gate. McKenzie now has 15 from 76 balls - the kind of batting that encourages a fan to let their eyelids drop and their breathing deepen. Cricket to rest your head to.

20th over: South Africa 44-0 (McKenzie 14 Smith 26)”Before we blow a gasket on the ‘real Jimmy’ (was it a cardboard replica we have been watching these past few years?)” chimes in John Wilson, “I suggest we wait until someone starts giving him a pasting and then see if he…dare I…folds like a big umbrella” Sidebottom is back on, and he’s bowled a beauty to Smith, for no reward. Jeez, this is some real stodge on offer from the South Africans here, which is, of course, exactly what they need in the circumstances.

19th over: South Africa 43-0 (McKenzie 14 Smith 25)Ah well, the sun is out, and in our OBO quarter of the crowd the idle musing as to the shape of things to come continues, John Clow piping up from the back row: “I’m not against Colly, but wouldn’t about now be a good time to add a fired up Fred to the attack? Don’t want them settling in too much. Reckon he’d provide a nice contrast if bowling with methodical Sidebottom or even a reformed Anderson. I certainly think Colly is looking more droppable than Anderson.” Mmm, Anderson’s vulnerability lies in the fact that with Fred in your attack - if he’s fit to get through 30 overs an innings - you lose nothing in terms of bowling potency. With Colly out, you’d lose his fielding, his leadership, and his gritty batting at no6.

18th over: South Africa 42-0 (McKenzie 13 Smith 24)Vaughan does some more tinkering, and brings on Stuart Broad at the Pavilion End. “Change a winning team?” asks Luciano Howard, revelling in his new found role as selectorial guru, “Absolutely, if it improves the team. In addition to the Flintoff question you have the Simon Jones one. Both at the peak of their form are in the best XI England have got. Flintoff I imagine would come in for a bat, and then Broad would make way for Simon Jones, surely? The man takes wickets, Broad doesn’t yet, despite his best efforts and he has years on his side. Of course, its probably all academic as both will be injured before their recalls by some freaky accident off-pitch.” I’m afraid not - Broad is near undroppable, the man is English cricket’s golden child. There is no way he’ll be dropped, whether he should be or not (to which the answer is ‘not’). And of course the final question is Prior v Ambrose, a story with several twists to come yet.

17th over: South Africa 42-0 (McKenzie 10 Smith 24)McKenzie survives a loud, cocksure lbw shout from Panesar, by grace of the umpire’s scepticism and nothing else. It looked plumb.

16th over: South Africa 41-0 (McKenzie 10 Smith 24)”Surely being able to hold his line in this match is a result of two things” says Luciano Howard of Jimmy Anderson, “One, he has been playing cricket regularly rather than spending the Summer carrying drinks and not even getting county time and two, he has the support and backing of the England coach / Captain as shown by him keeping his place and taking the new ball. At last, we see the real Jimmy.” And that’s fair comment. Quite why I’m still naughtily tempted to suggest he’s first in line to make way for Fred I’m not sure, must be force of habit. I agree though, his form is a vindication of the selector’s consistency. Thing is, they’re soon going to have to address the much more difficult problem of how, and whether, to change a winning team.

15th over: South Africa 39-0 (McKenzie 10 Smith 22)Monty is on, spelling Broad. Don’t even think about making that gag. It’s a maiden.

14th over: South Africa 39-0 (McKenzie 10 Smith 22)Anderson drops short, and Smith hooks to long leg for a single. McKenzie squirts three runs off his outside edge down to third man. “Are you playing?” asks PA Howarth, just a touch facetiously - as befitting a man who uses initials - “I don’t think that Kevin Pietersen should bowl more often to andy bull. Check it out: “why not drop Andy an email about how Kevin Pietersen should bowl more often to andy.bull@guardian.co.uk”. That’s another cuff upside the sub-editor’s head then. I hope you realise the ramifications such corrections have for the poor terrorised folk who write the headlines and trails round here, PD.

13th over: South Africa 35-0 (McKenzie 10 Smith 21)OBO readers of Fiji unite! Matt Capper writes: “It wouldn’t be easy to get further away from Lords or indeed Guardian Towers than Fiji - the 180 degree meridian passes straight through us.” Uh, yeah, I so knew that, didn’t I? “Can you ask Alex Hill whether he/she - you just don’t know - is also glued to a very slow computer in Suva? Or has he/she (there’s no way of telling) found some means of watching coverage? And if so, where?” You’re really hoping Alex is a she aren’t you? Smith cuts four past point.

12th over: South Africa 28-0 (McKenzie 8 Smith 16)England are almost waiting for this to start reversing, says Botham as though it’s a given that it will. A good point then to print this from Ravi Shankar: “Wasim Akram has this to say about reverse swing, “We just took our time. It all depended on the wicket, the weather, the dryness of the outfield. If the wicket is dead and the square grassy, it’s not going to happen. If one drop of sweat falls on it, the reverse swing won’t happen.” Now I’m not an expert, but isn’t this particular wicket dead and the square grassy?” Are you suggesting Beefy doesn’t know what he is talking about?

11th over: South Africa 25-0 (McKenzie 8 Smith 13)Stuart Broad is brought on for his first bowl of the innings. “I’m following from Beijing. Do I win a prize? If so, can I have one Flintoff for a Collingwood and a Simon Jones fit for the ashes please?” asks John Clow. Ah I don’t know about all this - Collingwood is mentally exhausted, having more on his plate than any other England player, what with adjusting to a new captaincy, getting himself in a lot of hot water with the Eliott dismissal and being in an abysmal run of batting form. The man just needs some time off, that’s all. Over the last four years, Collingwood has proved himself again and again - he’s got too much character to just be removed altogether. Just think back four years, when he was branded a bits and pieces one day specialist…

10th over: South Africa 23-0 (McKenzie 7 Smith 12)Another cheap over from Anderson, who is a player transformed in this match. To be fair his economy owes more than a little to McKenzie’s reluctance to play at anything wide of off stump, but still, time was when Jimmy would have struggled to hold that line anyway.

9th over: South Africa 22-0 (McKenzie 6 Smith 12)Too far to the leg-side from Sidebottom, and Smith plays that characteristic clump to backward square, the image of which still burns slightly on English retinas after those monumental and ugly innings of the summer ‘04.

8th over: South Africa 20-0 (McKenzie 6 Smith 10)Not much lateral movement in the air for England’s openers so far, much as they’ve looked for it. Their lines are immaculate enough though. John D Wilson has had a crack at the Saffers conundrum: “What happened to SA you ask?Big umbrella syndrome. Usually happens when brain and brawn get into conflict and brawn wins. The result is you fold and go catatonic. You in this case being the Saffers. I’m a Zimbo but I think I can speak for them. You did ask.” And that’s a fine answer.

7th over: South Africa 20-0 (McKenzie 6 Smith 10)Spotted yesterday by Glenn Rainton: “Went to Lords yesterday, a truly top class England performance was then spectacularly overshadowed by seeing Tony Adams dressed in a pink linen shirt and white linen trousers which had a printed flower pattern around the lower third of the leg, topped off with sandals. Even writing that sentence makes me still believe I had succumbed to food poisoning or drink, but I hadn’t eaten or drunk anything from the massively overpriced Lords mobile caravan food and drink emporiums by that stage. It must be true.”

6th over: South Africa 18-0 (McKenzie 6 Smith 9)And at the other end comes Jimmy Anderson, the very model of parsimony in the first innings. His first ball is delightful, angled across Smith’s stumps, leaving the captain prodding down the wrong line and drawing gasps of appreciation from the rank of close fielders. Smith takes a desperate short single from the next ball. Mr Lorigan is still weeping away: “On a different note, during the last SA series in the UK, it was the OBO coverage that nearly made me fail my masters.” Mmm yes, one of our many crimes; we’ve split marriages, settled custody cases, provided alibis for murder, all of these and more, “Obviously it had nothing to do with a complete lack of self discipline when trying to write my thesis. So somehow, somewhere along the way it was the OBO that has lead to me sitting here in Chittagong watching the rain and not somewhere sunny earning lots of money and having two day weekends. I realise I’m not much on taking responsibility for my actions but in true liberal Grauniad fashion, society must be to blame or in fact the Guardian.” Indeed.

5th over: South Africa 17-0 (McKenzie 6 Smith 8)Sidebottom renews the ritual humiliation for the day. His second ball is a long half-volley, which McKenzie thankfully cracks to the cover boundary for four. James Lorigan has written in, not so much with a friendly email as a desperate plea for human contact: “I’m not happy. Due to a curious meeting of military dictatorship and religion, Bangladesh moved to starting the weekend on friday in the late 70’s/early 80’s. Also due to the fact that they only take one day weekends this is now the second day of my working week. Add to that the fact that it’s the monsoon and the rains are properly biblical at the moment, my chips have been well and truly p*ssed on. And the nearest bacon sandwich is about 6 hours away. This is enough to make a grown man cry.” It’s not actually though, is it? I mean please don’t say you’re sat there crying as you type, your warm salty tears dashing themselves on the space bar, that’d be too sad, “Worryingly Andy, due to me not having a tv to watch the cricket on and fun apparently having been banned in all parts of Bangladesh since the early 90’s, you and the OBO are genuinely the highlight of my day.” James, I can assure you that feeling is entirely mutual.

Anyone following this from somewhere further away than Fiji will win a prize*.

*Note: Prize will not take the form of a physical object. Or indeed of anything much other than the phrase ‘well done’.

“Fate-tempting intro”? asks Alex Hill from Fiji, “Great. Call in the weather gods with your very first sentence. Then SA can bludgeon England for the rest of the series. I’m off to bed.” Hey, I’m happy to admit I was thumbing my nose and biting my lip at fate. Anything to inject a little competition into this game, get the thing into a fifth day at any rate.

I mean if you haven’t seen it, try and track down some footage of Kevin Pietersen opening the bowling to Graeme Smith last night. See the grin on his face. See the way Smith scowls. That’s pretty much the pictoral definition of sporting humiliation, right there.

And today, we’re told, the weather is warm and the ball is expected to be swinging. We know the pitch is turning, and you’re 333 runs behind.

I mean, to be frank, South Africa have just been rubbish. Really rubbish. Stinking.

Because this has been one of the most surprisingly one-sided matches I’ve ever seen.

If there are any South Africans out there reading this, could you write and explain just what the hell has happened to your team since this match started?

Morning everyone.

About this articleCloseThis article was first published on guardian.co.uk on Sunday July 13 2008. It was last updated at 14:57 on July 13 2008.

guardian.co.uk